Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Unskilled, foul-mouthed goalie seeks free, Canadian room and board

I'm reading these Facebook updates from friends in the PNW and, while I realize they had a really awful hot spell and many don't have A/C in their homes... it's now in the 60s there. THE 60s, BITCHES, in AUGUST! OMF!

We won't see 60-nuthin' until maybe late September and that will just be the overnight lows. 60s during the days won't happen until late October.

But of course, the bonus is that that's pretty much where it sits for 4 months--cold enough to keep the mosquitoes at bay but not so cold that you need 4-wheel-drive. But here, in the thick of the heat, my grasp on that perspective is slippery with sweat.

I actually found myself losing my breath a little when I pondered what it would be like to step outside and not think, "Ugh. Gross." at the heat and humidity. That first crisp day each Fall is the best day of the year. I spend at least a month and a half daydreaming about that day.

I've been going through this cycle for 34 years and it never ceases to be mind-bogglingly awful right now and shit-flippingly glorious in October. It never gets easier, but you do at least accept that you'll go through these stages each year:

  1. Dreading summer
  2. Thinking summer isn't THAT bad
  3. Finding that summer hadn't really started and it IS that bad
  4. HATING summer
  5. Wanting to die
  6. Wanting to kill
  7. Wanting to move to Canada
  8. Football season starting and hoping relief is around the corner
  9. Hockey season starting and KNOWING relief is around the corner
  10. Blessed Fall arrives. Huzzah!
I'm at about step 7 right now. So, if any of my Canadian friends have a spare room for me and the dog for a couple of months, I'm not good for much like cooking or cleaning, but I do speak Canadian and my dog is nice. I'll bring my gear and let you shoot pucks at me. I can't promise not to call you a fuckface or something when you score on me. Because, of course, it' s your fault for shooting at me that I suck. :)

So, I'm just throwing it out there. Mr. C is traveling a bunch for work, and once #8 starts, I don't think he'll even know I'm gone. So just drop me a line.

17 comments:

buddhafisch  August 5, 2009 at 4:39 PM  

Alright, here's my offer. We have a cabin in northern MN. It isn't Canada, but it is so close it shouldn't matter. And... there's a lake. A nice lake. Best part? No passport, and no border guard.

And, as I was told when I was in Houston about ten years ago, Minnesota is "just a suburb of Canada." I thought the guy was going to shoot me when I told him that Texas was "just a suburb of Mexico, then."

Anywho... the offer stands.

Ms. Conduct  August 5, 2009 at 4:44 PM  

Um, I should add that I do still have to do my day job, which requires wireless internet and preferably indoor plumbing.

Does your very generous offer still apply, B?

But I like the idea of not going thru customs. Though I'm sure when they see my goalie pads, they'll just wave me through.

"Dave Schultz"  August 5, 2009 at 5:35 PM  

technically, since I am in Oregon, I still fall under the PNW category, but I'm in the desert part, where it's cooled to a breezy 96 degrees today. I hate summer.

Erin  August 5, 2009 at 5:36 PM  

Ahh, Ms. C, you crack me up! I LOVE reading your musings. And I love MN as a suburb of Canada, eh. I've always liked our neighbors to the north, so I've now given myself license to pretend I'm almost one of them. :o)

Ms. Conduct  August 5, 2009 at 6:06 PM  

Yeah, maybe I should clarify the Seattle area. Three of them!

Anonymous  August 5, 2009 at 6:07 PM  

When you start thinking that "hey, Minneapolis/Pittsburgh/Baw-stun can't be *that* bad" to live in, it's a good sign the heat is getting to you. :) I've been through it for 30 years, and this is the first one we're trying to not use the A/C too much, and actually, I'm doing pretty good. Sweaty, but good.

artandhockey  August 5, 2009 at 9:33 PM  

Summers up North, mosquitoes and all! Better yet, summers at 7.000 plus feet where days are warm and DRY, and nights pleasantly cool! Winters down South where we need no mukluks, snowshoes and worry about freezing our...whatsisses off, would be my druthers.
Have lived with snow, black ice, and 10 layers of woollies, etc. and YOU all can have that.
Of course, one must make sure the 'brain doesn't boil' and causes all kinds of extreme actions :-)

Sunshine36616  August 5, 2009 at 11:57 PM  

I'm originally from Mobile, Alabama. It's seriously like living in a sauna. I "escaped" the heat and now live in Atlanta. It will be like 92 and I'm thinking "wow, this isn't nearly as bad as Mobile."

Ms. Conduct  August 6, 2009 at 12:02 AM  

Yep, anywhere on the Gulf Coast is just a simmering pool of yuck.

And I realized I left HURRICANE SEASON off entirely. I think I'm in denial about that fun little fact of Gulf Coast Summer.

David Hutchison  August 6, 2009 at 12:08 AM  

Vancouver Island.

80 degrees.

No bugs. No rain. All Sun.

Nuff said.

Crap, no summer hockey.

Ms. Conduct  August 6, 2009 at 1:12 AM  

Heavenly! Though I have yet to figure out how Canadians go all summer without playing hockey while we Texans play year round. :)

Goody  August 6, 2009 at 6:44 AM  

Ah, we've got kinda the reverse going up here...

1. Dreading Winter
2. Thinking Winter isn't THAT bad
3. Finding that Winter hadn't really started and it IS that bad
4. HATING Winter
5. Wanting to die
6. Wanting to kill
7. Wanting to move to TX, AZ, CA, FL, etc.
8. Baseball season starting and hoping relief is around the corner but at the same time wondering WTF is baseball?
9. Hockey season ending and KNOWING relief is around the corner
10. Blessed Spring arrives. Huzzah!

CatTrick  August 6, 2009 at 9:19 AM  

Oh Canada! A hockey-obsessed fan with two nice cats could also use a break from the heat! OMG, remember last year after the hurricane, and no electricity for TWO weeks?

FinnAir  August 6, 2009 at 11:18 AM  

14. I agree, it is miserable here. Let's just all move back to Finland.

Kirsten  August 6, 2009 at 9:14 PM  

No to make you hate your life any more or anything, but I've had to wear a hoodie to work many a day this summer...

Ms. Conduct  August 6, 2009 at 9:21 PM  

You can just bite me, Kirsten. ;)

Kirsten  August 7, 2009 at 3:03 PM  

Haha, if it makes you feel any better, work today included slogging through a swamp and avoiding an angry mama bear, so the cooler weather just kept me from being totally miserable at work.

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