A serious look at the Wild's upcoming draft

And by serious, I mean completely, utterly not serious at all. In fact, it may be a new low for me, which I'm pretty excited about.

You see, it turns out the Minnesota Wild have the 69th pick in the draft this year. And being a 12 year old boy at heart (except for poop humor. I hate poop humor. Farts? Dicks? Yes. Poop? No.) this spoke to me.

Of course, I am also a grown-up and know that the ol' 69 is preposterously overhyped. I mean, how can you enjoy what's happening down there, when you're face is busy? I'm of the opinion you just gotta go all in on that stuff.

But the real purpose of this post is to salute the 69th picks through the years and see how they fared. Big time props to HockeyDB.com for making this just stupid easy. Here's a fun fact I discovered in my research: 1969 was the first year there even WAS a 69th pick. So, you know, that's synergy right there.

If anybody has more on any of these guys, throw it in the comments. And yes, it's a long post, and yes, you're lazy/busy/ADD-addled, but this is hockey history here! Impress your friends with your bizarre knowledge of all the NHL's 69th draft picks! Great party trick, I promise.

1969 - Jim Jones (Boston) - The smallish defenseman never played for the Bruins but bounced around the minors all but 2 games of his 7 year professional career. Those two NHL games were with the California Golden Seals.
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1970 - Bob Roselle (Boston) - What is with the Bruins? Anyway, this lanky center never played in the NHL, but he scored pretty consistently in the minors during his 5-6 years playing. Top year was with the CHL Tulsa Oilers when he racked up 57 points.
1971 - Fraser Robertson (NY Rangers) - Another small defenseman, Robertson only played pro for two seasons and never made it out of the minors.

1972 - Gillies Gratton (Buffalo) - Hey! We have a winner! Goalie Gratton played 4 years in the minors before finally playing 6 games with St. Louis and then a full season with the Rangers, but then with just one game the following year in the AHL, he was done.Also, he was a crazy mofo. Dig it!
1973 - John Flesch (Atlanta) - Ohhh, Mister Fancy Pants Left Wing has 124 NHL games, though the majority of his career was in the minors. But he was a scoring mofo, averaging a point per game nearly every year. Surprised the Aeros haven't brought him in for the playoffs...
1974 - Mike McKegney (Montreal) - He didn't play very long but Mike won the lottery for playing for teams with interesting names: Beauce Jaros, San Francisco Shamrocks, and Petrolia Squires. Beauce and Petorlia were in the LotRHL. You wit me, geeks?
1975 - Andre Leduc (Los Angeles) -  The big defenseman only played 3 seasons, all in the IHL, CHL, and AHL.
1976 - Rocky Maze (Buffalo) - Yikes. Try again, Sabres. Only 19 games as a professional left wing. Great name though.
1977 - Steve Stoyanovich (NY Islanders) - Shame about Stevie, cuz he could seriously score. He had a point per game in 4.5 seasons in the minors and Europe and about half that in 23 games with Hartford..
1978 - Kevin Reeves (Montreal) - Reeves had two 100+ point seasons with Muskegon in the IHL where he spent 5 years. His scoring dwindled the final two years and that was it.

So, here's where it changes from an Amateur Draft to an Entry Draft and the success rate increases quite a bit:

1979 - Glenn Anderson (Edmonton) - How does 1129 NHL games sound? 11 years with Edmonton, 3 with the Rangers. Oh yeah, and in the Hall of Fame. And had his number retired by the Oilers. Quite a leap in the status of 69th picks, eh?
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1980 - Jari Kurri (Edmonton) - Okay, now 69th pick is just being obnoxious. First Finnish player to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, GM of Team Finland, blah blah blah. Show off.
1981 - Terry Tait (Minnesota) - Phew, I was thinking this was gonna be all hall of famers at 69th. Nope, Tait never played in the NHL and only 5 years pro.
1982 - John DeVoe (Montreal) - Yikes. Played 4 years of college and then nothing. John DeVoe! What happened?
1983 - Bob Essensa (Winnipeg) - Goalie Bob spent most of his career with the Jets and Oilers, and has been the Bruins goalie coach (though I understand it's somewhat part time) since 2003.
1984 - Tom Glavine (LA Kings) - You probably recognize the name, not for hockey but for a long, successful baseball career. He was drafted both by the NHL and MLB (Braves, 2nd round). He's quoted as saying he chose baseball over hockey because he wanted to keep his teeth. But the hockey gods being the pranksters they are, Glavine lost two teeth in a car accident in 2004. He does have one professional game to his name, however, as he "played" one game with the Gwinnett Gladiators as the honorary starting center in a charity appearance.
1985 - Mike Berger (Minnesota) - Berger, a defenseman, played 30 NHL games with the North Stars but spent most of his long career in the minors, including a long stint with the Tulsa Oilers near the end of his playing days. Seems like he was a bit of a tough guy with a bit of scoring touch, so you can see why he was a valuable player in the minors. In his last season with the Oilers, he had 60 points and 93 PIM.
1986 - Kent Hulst (Toronto) - Kent was nearly a point per game center in the AHL from 1989-2001, spending 8 of those seasons with the Portland Pirates, but never played an NHL game. He was particularly fired up in 1995-96, when he had 99 points and 152 PIM in 99 games (including playoffs). Pirates lost in the finals that season.

1987 - Mike Sullivan (NY Rangers) - The centerman played 709 games in the NHL with San Jose, Calgary, and Phoenix. After his playing career, he was head coach of the Bruins for 2 unspectacular years and saw his career come full circle when he served as an assistant coach for the Rangers this season.
1988 - Ted Crowley (Toronto) - The defenseman played 14 seasons, but boy did he get around, playing for 19 teams in that time, including my Aeros. Holy crap. My favorite? Essen Mosquitoes
1989 - Allain Roy (Winnipeg) - The highlight of his goaltending career must have been winning an Olympic silver medal with Canada, but now he's a player agent and president/CEO of CMG Sports.
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1990 - Jeff Nielsen (NY Rangers) - Nielsen had a heck of a run with Binghamton in his first 3 years as a pro, steadily rising from 30+ points to 50+ points. But once he got into the NHL, that touch seemed lost, though he played 252 games in the show. His final season, he was picked up by Minnesota in the expansion draft.
1991 - Terry Chitaroni (Toronto) - The unfortunately-named Chitaroni (his nickname was "The San Francisco Treat"*) played well at the AA and European levels but couldn't really get it going in the AHL. *totally lying about that nickname
1992 - Jeff Connolly (Vancouver) - I kinda like this guy's story. He's all over the map. A year in college (BC), a year in Junior, 3 years in the ECHL where he played a whopping 58 games and then left the game in 1997. But then in 2001 he pops up with the ECHL Atlantic City Boardwalk Bullies (love that) and plays 13 games. Why not? Now he's a hockey instructor in the northeast.
1993 - Patrick Boileau (Washington) - Boileau was an offensive defenseman with a fairly long career, though most of it was in the minors. He spent 7 years in the Caps system, mainly with Portland in the AHL. He had a total of 48 NHL games and spent the final 4 years of his career in Europe before retiring in 2008.

1994 - Rumun Ndur (Buffalo) - Ndur, a big (6'2", 244) bruising defenseman, is the first ever Nigerian to play in the NHL. Another fun fact? Ndur played exactly 69 games in the NHL. More synergy! He was a tough SOB, too, and one season later in his career with the Danbury Thrashers in the UHL, he had 289 PIM in 46 games. That's over 6 PIM per game! Stick taps to Chris Jerina for finding this gem: Check out the penalty to Gretzky.
1995 - Sergei Gusev (Dallas) - Gusev is a Russian defenseman who played in the minors for a number of seasons, then broke into the NHL here and there to rack up 89 games. But in 2001, he headed back to the motherland and has been there ever since, playing just this past season with St. Petersburg SKA in the KHL.
1996 - Curtis Tipler (Tampa Bay) - Tipler, a right wing, put up quite nice numbers in junior and decent ones in his rookie season in the UHL with Rockford, but that was it for him. Guys like that, I really wonder why they left the game.
1997 - Maxim Afinoginov (Buffalo) - This speedy Russian winger spent 9 seasons playing for the Sabres. Would have been 10 if not for the lockout. His production waned near the end, so Buffalo sent him out into the world as a free agent. Atlanta snatched him up for a mere $800k and putting up 61 points, he was a helluva steal for the Thrashers. Taps to Jerina again for reminding me of this story about Max dropping in on a pick-up game when he was getting ready for Worlds. Great stuff.
1998 - Jamie Hodson (Toronto) - Hodson, a goalie, retired in 2008, but consistent with the Maple Leafs' luck in goal, he didn't play much outside of the ECHL.
1999 - Rene Vydareny (Vancouver) - The Slovakian defenseman spent 4 years playing pro in North America, mainly with the Manitoba Moose, but has been playing in the Czech Republic since the lockout.
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2000 - Ben Knopp (Columbus) - Knopp, a forward, spent  his pro time in the ECHL and AHL before heading to Europe for a couple of years before retiring.
2001 - Joel Stepp (Anaheim) - Stepp never played in the NHL, but if there's money to be made in moving allowances, he racked it up. He only played 5 years professionally (and 5 years in junior... is that even allowed?) but played for 9 teams during that time, and 2005-06 alone played for 4 teams. Appears he was one of these star crossed guys who was bit by the injury bug a good chunk of time.
2002 - Erik Christensen (Pittsburgh) - Talk about a guy who gets traded a lot, but unlike most guys, he's still hanging in there in the show. In 6 seasons, the centerman has played for 6 teams and played last season for the Rangers after he as traded to Anaheim from Atlanta and then placed on waivers.
2003 - Colin Fraser (Philadelphia) - Ironically, Fraser was drafted by the Flyers but just won a cup with a little team called the Chicago Blackhawks. I'd say things have worked out pretty well for him. Though he looks like he gets Botox in his forehead. Am I right?

2004 - Casey Borer (Carolina) - The Minnesota-bred defenseman is still working his way up from the AHL, but has 16 NHL games with Carolina under his belt so far, so it appears it's just a matter of time before he sticks.
2005 - Gord Baldwin (Calgary) - God, I love Canadians named Gord. It's just so Canadian, that name. Anyway, he's a baby still and playing for Abbotsford. No games with Calgary yet.
2006 - Steve Mason (Columbus) - Boom. Well, kinda boom. He stole Clutterbuck's Calder Trophy in his rookie season, but he didn't blow the doors off the joint his sophomore season. He's got time though and he's in a good market to come along patiently.
2007 - Maxime Tanguay (Chicago) - Tanguay spent most of the season with the Toledo Walleye in the ECHL. Toledo. Man. Minor league hockey is so fucking glamorous. Anyway, he's Alex Tanguay's brother and here's a great article about him and how he almost didn't end up turning pro.
2008 - Michael Stone (Phoenix) - Stone, a big offensive defenseman, just wrapped up his junior career, so we're likely gonna have to put up with him in San Antonio next season. Man, the kid really racked up points in the WHL though.
2009 - Reilly Smith (Dallas) - Smith was a freshman at Cold Miami this past season. He's super duper skinny and was born on April Fool's Day.
2010 - ? (Minnesota) - All we can do at this point is hope for a guy with a great innuendo-riffic name. I doubt Emerson Etem will fall that far, but he'd be a great 69th pick. Goalies seem to have the most 69-worthy names though: Tyler Bunz, Scott Wedgewood, and Sean Bonar. No wonder those poor boys ended up between the pipes.

Regardless, Minnesota, you have a legacy to uphold! Okay, not really. But I DO really wanna make a lewd joke about being right on top of that 69th position Friday night Saturday afternoon. But I'm afraid I'll end up in jail.

Enjoy the draft!

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Quick Hits: The "Whatever" Edition

Lordy lordy, Aeros. Night after night, the same thing lately. Decent start, late game choke.

It's like going on a great date and then finding out over dessert that the guy wants 5 kids and is the president of the Young Republicans. 

"Um. I've, uh, gotta get up early, so... if you're done with that key lime pie... no, no coffee, thanks... I think I may have left my oven on....I need to let my dog out... *sigh* .... I used to have sex dreams about Bill Clinton and my tubes are tied... Oh, you're ready to go? Great."

I won't miss this season. Nobody's fault exactly (though I'd be happy to point fingers offline). Just a perfect storm of mediocrity. 

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Speaking of clusterfucks, that's what my goaltending has been lately but I'm feeling focused for my upcoming games. Adding a few preparation things. Yada yada yada...tap tap tap.... #nottalkingaboutit.

Anyway, we'll see how that goes. Ready to play though. Feeling inspired. :)

Speaking of goaltending, here's a cool article a goalie friend sent to me about how it's tough for goalies to be "superstars" due to the humble, masked nature of the position. Good stuff.

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Bad hockey fan confession: Enough with the headshot crap. I honestly just don't care how it gets figured out because I don't really think there IS a good solution other than players taking some accountability, but I'm tired of reading about it. Still, just in case the horse isn't dead, here's my suggestion:

Step 1: Fire Colin Campbell and hire someone else to basically hit the Reset button on league punishments so that "consistency" doesn't continue to mean making the same mistakes over and over.
Step 2: Get back to whining about Sun Belt teams performing poorly financially, because I enjoyed that discussion more. Which is really saying something.

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Here's my $50 idea for the day: A microrecorder that a goalie can somehow keep on themselves during the game and keep notes about goals against or whatever they want.
Of course, it has to be something that's inside the mask, like a wireless mic (that transmits to something in a protective shell that straps to the water bottle?).

I have a miserable short term memory, which is great for forgetting goals but also terrible for learning from them. Would be nice to take some notes.

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Still haven't gotten the screw posts in order to put my cat eye cage on my mask. Grrrrr. Lame sauce. I still don't get why they wouldn't include new ones of those along with the new screws when you buy a new cage. I love you, Hackva, but that makes no sense at all.

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Alright. Naptime maybe, or Aeros game. Or both. Or neither. Whatever.

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Jeff Deslauriers? Yes. YES! Phuck yes!

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Intent to Blow and Other Quick Hits

God help me. I love the innuendo of hockey.

Now, I know as a fan of the game I should be upset about that whole deal with Brad May's goal not counting, because it was clearly a goal and the goofy "war room" system failed big time here, but:

1. It's Brad May. Not that I wish him any serious ills, but getting screwed out of a goal? Yeah, I'm okay with that.
2. When I played that Toyota Center game, I had at least two goals EXACTLY like that waved off. I mean, those bad boys were IN the net but just behind the post and hidden by the toe of my pad. Ref: "Was that in?" Me: "Nope." *smile* Hey, I was getting lit up and not feeling very sportsmanlike.
3. I have many times had my bacon saved thanks to the official's "intent to blow." In fact, you might say intent to blow is a goalie's best friend. Well, after the posts and shot-blocking defensemen.
   
4. It's Brad May. Who gives a shit?
   
5. It's the Red Wings. Weren't they due for looking human? I'm rather enjoying it.
6. It's Brad May. Meh.

BTW, I recognize that I'm a day late with this and we've all moved on to the rather hilarious (assuming he's okay... if not, it's just secretly hilarious) cartoonish way in which Derek Dorsett fell down, went boom after James MFing Neal tapped him on the shoulder. Or the embarrassing fight among idiot Ducks fans over Nieder's stick. But I don't want to talk about either of those things.

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I hope Kevin Weekes gets better at the TV thing. He's very handsome and belongs on TV. Just maybe not talking. Maybe just have the flat screen with highlights and him smiling and gesturing at it like Vanna White.

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I find myself rooting for the Ducks these days because I have so many Ducks players on my fantasy teams. In fact, I traded for two of them just this week. Added Selanne and Getzlaf on two different teams.

I'm starting to heal my relationship with that team now that Pronger is gone, but I still feel a bit dirty. Hiller's pretty coppery mask makes me feel a little less dirty.

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L'Oreal quit making my hair color. This happens to me every few years and I end up in the hair color aisle of every CVS and Walgreens in my area staring desperately at the spot between blond and brunette where the reds are and holding back tears.

I'm not a particularly vain or girly girl but you get the wrong color of red going and it can really go south. Too orange and you look like Bozo the Clown. Too purple and you look fake, trashy, and ruddy. It's tough to get a natural-looking red, even if you go to a salon. I've only ever had one stylist who could do it right (and she was a red herself so she "got" it).

Anyway, the Fake Redhead Gods threw me a bone, and the next closest color is actually just fine.

Another bullet dodged.

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I still love you, James MFing Neal. Don't do that again, but you're still my second favorite forward in the League.

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A lot of good hockey last night, as I watched marathon-style from 6 clear until the brawl for Niedermayer's stick ended, including listening to a CHL game on my computer. In the extremely unlikely event that there a) is a heaven and b) I end up there, it will just be me in a river of hockey games, with Kevin Weekes waving his arm gently at the one I'm watching.

But here's my conclusion: You can't tell me scoring isn't absolutely perfect right now. They need to stop right where they are with the goalie gear regulations. This is truly a ridiculous path they're on. What is it with the inability of the NHL to say, "Hey, we were wrong. Let's go another direction with this." NHL hockey is just damn fun right now. Don't change a thing.

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I worked out for the first time in, like, 3 months last night. Ever since these 3 in 3s started, I've been sore clear until Saturday, so I have been lazy Wed-Sat. But yesterday I did a bunch of squats, some shoulders and some abs.

OMG my legs hurt. In a great way though, other than every time I rolled over in bed, I woke up from the pain. Still. Great stuff.

Though a perfect world would be getting to play every other day and never have to do a real workout. It's so boring, I won't even tell you the little games I have to play with myself to keep motivated.

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Aeros game tonight, but I'll be missing it other than on the radio and John's tweets. The good thing is that Mr.C is coming home after being gone two weeks. Thank god!

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Hot and bothered, plus some Clutterbutter to spread on your Monday

So I'm finally catching up on my Google Reader news and seeing that the GMs are considering ditching the trapezoid that prevents goalies from playing the puck other than directly behind the net.

And I have to admit, especially after reading Razor's take on it with regard to Marty Turco, who already sends me into a frenzy with his third D-man shtick, to think that my favorite goalies, those lovely puck-movers, would be free to "roam the zone" and maximize their talents truly has me hot and bothered.

Dear GMs,

Vote YES on Prop 69, Removal of cock-blocking trapezoid bullshit rule. RAWR!

Sincerely,
Ms. C

As much as this is WAY less important than putting in place rules around hits to the head (love the "waiting for someone to get killed first" tactic the league is taking, BTW), this is one item for which I'm following the bureaucratic/political/horseshit end of the game with rapt attention.

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A wee Clutterbutter update for ya. Google Alerts found me this video (15 freaking minutes!) of him working out, skating, etc. The video was so jerky for me, I could barely watch it but maybe you'll have better luck.

Also, here's an update from the Wild on the Mo-Bros aka the godawful mustaches the boys are growing (for a great cause, so I'm trying not to make too many faces about it).

Cal looks like a Muppet. Those eyebrows + the stache. I dunno. Sorry Cal. I still love ya, and searches for "cal clutterbuck girlfriend" are not remotely on the downswing, so I think you're good to go. As one Russovillian put it today, "clutterbuck could fornicate with a minor at center ice and people would stand and cheer." So, you know, wear them whiskers any way you want.

Kobasew, OTOH, looks like goddamn Brad Pitt, which if I thought Brad Pitt was hot, I'd be really impressed. Maybe I'm impressed anyway, just not particularly interested.

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Call off the dogs. I've ordered a new car charger for my XM radio. Only a few more days of Houston radio. The "good" station I settled on last night was playing Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA remix when I got in the car today. *sigh* The search continues.

UPDATE: AHHHH! After scouring my car, I found the missing piece of the charger! Order canceled (hopefully) and XM back on the air in the Ms.Conductmobile! It's a Party in the USA!

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Quick Hits: Ms. Understood

Okay, first of all, I don't think I'm gonna make it into the NHL. At least, they are trending in the exact opposite direction of my body type for goaltenders. Damn them.

Of course, there's also the whole thing about how I suck and I'm a girl and I'm old. But still... sad to see a pretend dream die.

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I was watching Flipping Out (best reality show on TV) tonight after watching the Wild game on fast-forward (fights and goals only) and I had this sudden wave of panic that I missed a time I was supposed to play goal somewhere.

I know full well I don't play again until Sunday but I've gotten so used to playing pretty much every other day, I'm actually having to remind myself that, no, you don't have to go play. I do have another 3 in 3 lined up for Sunday-Tuesday next week. Confirmed the Monday SLICE gig this morning.

Wednesday was supposed to be gear cleaning day but I had too many other things going on so that got pushed to Thursday. I should take a picture of the water in the tub when I wash my chest protector so you can appreciate what it smells like in my garage during the summer.

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So, I shot my mouth off (well, my fingers off) twice tonight and I feel like talking about it here. The thing is, I hate to be misunderstood. So I will explain myself to really anybody, whether they want or deserve an explanation, until either they understand or they pretend to understand so I'll shut the fuck up already.

Here I go:

On my comments about the vulnerability and shakiness I saw in the first two periods of Anton Khudobin's game tonight against Lake Erie... it wasn't a criticism of his effort or his talent, but more just an observation of his body language, his steadiness in that moment.

You have to understand that I watch goalies like a hawk, often to the exclusion of other things I really should be watching as someone who writes about the team. I may not understand everything I'm seeing or why I'm seeing it, but generally, if you put a goalie in front of me that I've seen quite frequently, I feel like I can read them pretty well.

And I know what a confident, in-control Anton Khudobin looks like. I've seen it over and over. And regardless of the reasons, I thought he appeared to struggle in the first and second periods. I thought he got some really lucky breaks in the midst of his scrambling and unsteadiness, and the guys in front of him did an amazing job clearing away several really juicy rebounds.

Now, what I didn't think through before I pressed Publish Post was why he was having to scramble. Coulda been the umpteen dozen turnovers and breakaways. Duh. I know I've complained in this very space a few times about what a mind fuck it is when you don't feel like you can trust your defense. You begin to play deep and desperate and frantic. It's ugly.

So, okay, Anton may not have looked all Zen doing it, but he did a great job tonight with what he was given.

BUT, even though my analysis of the situation was somewhat flawed, I stand by my observation that he was not in charge of his net in the first and second. He held it together, but he wasn't in charge. In the third, he was In Motherfuckin' Charge. I could see it in his body language, the way he addressed saves, with more decisiveness and crispness.

I should have asked him about it after the game. If I'd realized at interview time that I was the only one who didn't think he had "the game of a lifetime" (seriously, someone said that to me afterward), I certainly would have.

I will watch the game again to see if I can maybe get more clarity about it, even just for myself. Because it's not like I want to be a blowhard, ragging on players who don't deserve it. I'd like to give credit where it's due and I'd like to give clear-headed observations about a player's game, especially when it comes to goalies.

It was so much easier for me when Brusty was in goal because everything he did was fantastical and every goal was the defense's fault. ;)

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The other thing I mouthed off about was saying on Twitter that I'm not so crazy about the Wild's new third jersey. I immediately got disbelief about that. Even a "shame on you"... for what? Having an opinion?

I stand by it 100% (even though I sarcastically backpedaled on Twitter) because I really don't love it. I'm not saying it's the worst third ever. It's not even close, and for the market, I don't think they could have done better. Minnesotans have a proud hockey tradition that I just, personally, don't relate to.

They're just. so. relentlessly. green.

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Dirt for dirt?

Just picked up this blog post by Mike Heika, the Dallas Stars beat writer about Iginla's trip on Souray last night that took him out of the game with a mild concussion.

Apparently Oilers coach Patty O'Quinn has on some thick Oilers colored glasses as he felt like the play was dirty by Iginla and basically threw his players under the bus for not immediately defending their fallen teammate.

Here's what I have to say about that:

What goes around comes around. Might take half a season, but you deserved a little "injustice."

Wild fans remember: Souray fought Craig Weller last year and basically beat him senseless with a hard plastic wrist brace, which is obviously not kosher.



The Wild asked the league to look at the video evidence of this, but the whole thing was put to rest with a little wink from both the league and Souray. You're the big star, Sheldon, and that other guy? What his name again? Right.

Even at the All Star Game a few weeks later, a reporter asked Souray about the "punishment" from the league, and the gist of his response was basically a big grin and "yeah, they really gave me a good talking to."

Well, enjoy your headaches, Sheldon. You've earned 'em. Dirt for dirt.

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Since I don't smoke...

I didn't finish my work tonight, nor did I watch Calgary/Vancouver, but I did get that mascot gig in Hawaii, so that's something. Suh-weet! Feeling much better...

But I'm wide awake now and in a pretty good mood. I hate to waste that on my actual job, so I thought I'd blather on a bit here.

I did watch the first two periods of Leafs/Habs after the relentless pre-game ceremony, during which all I could think was "OMFGDROPTHEFUCKINGPUCK!!!!! DROPITDROPITDROPITDROPITDROPIT!!!!!!!"

I had it on mute, so if it was moving and worthy of so much time, then I apologize to you, Canada. You know I love you, baby. I'm sorry I yelled. Here's some flowers.

It just sucks when they show the players, who are fired up and ready to go, yet they have to stand there during all this blue carpet crap. I'm just thinking of the boys. Someone should.

Speaking of which, tonight Mr. C got sarcastic with me about something and hit my Pissed Off button pretty hard. He realized his mistake quicker than I've EVER seen him do and said, "Sorry."

I'm still glaring at him.

"Sorry!"

Glare.

"Sore-y!"

Smile.

All this time, if he'd just talk to me in Canadian, I'd never get mad at him. If he'd wear hockey gloves and a carry a stick around, he might never get to leave the house. Rawr!

Oh, hey, check it! Pics of me playing goal. These are the only ones where I even look remotely like I'm doing anything I'm supposed to be doing. All the rest, I'm incredibly out of position or way deep in my net. It's horrible! I can only imagine how much video work would help me, but I'm too chicken.

Keeping an eye on the puck along the boards. Should probably have moved forward out of my net by now.

What's going on here? I look like I'm doing some kind of animal impression. Rabbit? (Shut up.)

This is the part where Scott TFCG would be screaming "GET UP! GET THE FUCK UP!!!!" at me.

Am I an ad for RBK or what? Pads, gloves, stick. My pants are RBK, too.

I'm guessing I could get a non-endorsement deal from them. Like, "We'll pay you to stop wearing our gear." Fine. Pay me enough to get some Bauer X-Rated...

Anyway, thanks to Deborah, Jessica's aunt, for coming out and shooting our game a few weeks ago. And for not publishing any shots of me getting scored on. :)

Alrighty. Should probably have a snack and get back to work.

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NHL Twitter Contest: Dragging your butt into 2009

As proof that the NHL is actually in this century with us, they're running a contest on Twitter Saturday when all 30 teams are in action.

If you can predict all 15 winners and win the tie-breaker (assuming there are multiple winners), then you will score a trip to see any NHL team in action. If I win, I am going to go see the Hawaii Leis and try to get a job as the mascot.

Ten others will get subscriptions to NHL GameCenter Live.

@martinhavlat is not included. He's just the Lord of the Tweets among NHLers. Wonder if Tweets should be a new stat...

First thing to do is Get Over Yourself and go set up a Twitter account. Remember how you got over yourself about Facebook? It's just like that. I swear to you, narcissism feels better on than it looks on the hanger.

Then go to www.twitter.com/NHL and Follow them. It's a decent tweet so don't worry that you're gonna get a bunch of crap you don't care about. It's all hockey. Then go follow @msconduct10. That isn't in the official rules, but I say you do it anyway.

Then (I know, it's three whole steps--hang in there with me) send @NHL a tweet with your 15 winners, your tie breaker answer, and a special hashtag so they know what you're on about. For more details on how to format the tweet, go here. It's pretty simple and you could win some stuff.

I'm hoping that it's like the gas station that sells the winning lottery ticket, where if one of my readers wins, the league will give me a Brent Burns t-shirt or something. *hint hint*

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Fresh New Season

So... here it is. The sweaty season. Well, the sweatiest of the three sweaty seasons in Houston. But that's okay because we have a truly beautiful season of hockey to look back on.

And a sure-to-be-laughably-lame awards show in a few days, followed by the fresh meat parade draft a few days later. Then free agency and signings along the way and a new coach for the Wild and ... whatever that entails for Houston... and so forth.

Never a dull moment.

At least that's what I'm telling myself. Is it working on you as well as it's working on me?

Yeah.

So, anyway, my kindred spirit over at Getting Pucks Deep posted this of her lovely Flower, and I had to laugh at what he said his thought was in the amazing final seconds of last night's victory:



As any of my defensemen can attest, I say all of two things when it gets frantic in my paint (was gonna say "gets hairy in my crease" but... no):

SHIT!

SHIT!

SHIT!

and if I've lost sight of the puck:

WHERE IS IT?

Only once has someone had the wherewithal to give me an answer. I think it might have been Mitch, actually. All I know is whoever it was got a stick on it and took it out of the zone, god bless 'em.

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I cannot fail to congratulate the Hershey Bears who won the Calder Cup last night. I feel badly for them that the games were scheduled the same night, because it does steal their thunder a bit, but it's no less of an amazing achievement and I couldn't be more delighted to see the Moose lose almost in exactly the fashion they beat the Aeros. Enjoy the golf, hosers.

Keep an eye on Neuvirth. And someone tell me how to pronounce his name.

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Alright. Coach Stalin is dragging me out to run AND do abs. Why do I agree to these things? I better be a goddamn fucking good goalie one of these days as a result of this crap or I'm gonna be pissed.

It was 100 degrees on the bank sign we drove past at 2 this afternoon. It's gotta be at least 95 still. I'm full of seething hate at the thought of having to get out in it.

I'm jealous of the hockey boys who get to train in more forgiving climates in the summer. Must find a way to get a summer home someplace pleasant.

Okay okay. Going to get changed. *hmph*

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Game 7 and other crap

I really don't have much of a personal investment in the game tonight, but I am enjoying watching my friends and acquaintances who have a rooting interest just giddy with excitement and nervousness. I remember that feeling. Nothing like a Game 7 for all the marbles.

I'm excited about the game but also a bit melancholy. Until now, I could tell myself "hockey season isn't REALLY over yet," but as of this time tomorrow... baby, it's ovah.

The good thing is that maybe things can get moving on the coaching front in Minnesota. Boy is that taking forever, but that's okay. Take your time and get it right, Fletch.

I was listening to XM Home Ice yesterday afternoon and they were raving about all the effort Joe Nieuwendyk put into selecting Crawford as the new coach in Dallas. My jaw was in my lap hearing that. The guy's been the GM for 23 minutes and he's already tossed a great, winning coach for an iffy losing coach? Yeah, that's super work.

The proof will be in the pudding, of course, and I am, frankly, almost always wrong when I look into my hockey crystal ball and try to predict the outcome of a move like this. Maybe Crawford's style of play will finally get those Dallas "fans" in the lower bowl to cheer for something other than goals.

Anyway, as I've been telling my token Pens fan friend, Kevin, his team has been growing on me. They have more personality than I realized. And it seems Detroit actually has LESS, which I didn't think was possible. They remind me of these hockey players in Strange Brew:



So, Coach Stalin is coming over and we're ordering up a batch of wings to have for dinner. That seems appropriate.

Saturday, Mr.C is heading for London for a couple of weeks, so if anybody wants to go to the Leaf and buy me some beer, my schedule is wide open darlings. :D

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There's a Clutterbuck Facebook fan page that you should go join if you're a Facebooker.

Otherwise, it's been pretty quiet on the Clutter front. I know he did some charity hockey game up in Welland and he's slated to be on the Wild Road Trip or whatever they call it where they drag players around Minnesota when they should be home resting up (kidding, it's awesome. I'm just jealous.)

I sure miss the guy though. The smirk, the crashing. I was watching something the other day that showed him doing that little shoulder shimmy before one of his fights this season. That still makes me laugh out loud. Who has more fun? Nobody, I tell ya.

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So, you know I'm on this workout regimin from Coach Stalin. Running and abs. Well, I hate running. Like, I HATE it. But I'm trying and I know it will get better. As with all things athletic for me, it's requiring a lot more patience and diligence than I naturally bring to the table.

I don't mind the abs so much because there's lots of lying around involved in that, which is my favorite kind of exercise. Plus, I got a new fitness ball, which is plenty big and isn't killing my back like my smaller one did.

I have a little mental trick I use to keep myself going when I "don't wanna," but it's kind of insulting to a player I love, so ask me about it offline and I might tell you. Heh.

What I really need when I run, though, is to have a fox like Clayton Stoner running in front of me. Shirtless. If you think I won't run hard enough and long enough to maintain visual contact with that, you just don't know me very well. I'll chase that until I face-plant in the gravel from exhaustion.

Hey, there's a summer moonlighting idea for you boys... I might actually pay money for a service like that. Sort of like the rabbit in a dog race...

Anyway...

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No stick and puck for me this week. The new schedule at the Aerodrome kinda sucks and there's a camp going on at Space City. SLICE stick and pucks are too crowded and I loathe playing half-ice. So, alas, I have lots of pent up puck-stopping in me that will have to wait until Sunday.

Maybe I'll grab a public skate at Memorial City today since I haven't done any footwork drills in a long time. Yeah.

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That's all. Go Pens. Have a great weekend!

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Just heard on XM Radio

Hopped in my car to pick up some breakfast and heard an analyst say that ever since John Tavares lost Cal Clutterbuck as a linemate, his play has diminished significantly.

Oh snap.

Cal is the key, bitches. I've been saying...

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Verbeauty and what's left of the playoffs

I feel like a shark without an ocean in the NHL right now as I don't really give a rat's ass about any of the teams left in the playoffs. I've watched a few games but have been pretty consumed with the Aeros and haven't found a team worth adopting for the playoffs.

I don't even care about any of the goalies, which is pretty amazing considering it doesn't take a whole hell of a lot for a goalie to turn me on. I guess Ozzie's kinda got an Opie-like charm and a little leather-flashing razzle-dazzle, but he plays for Detroit, who are just too perfect for me to find lovable.

In fact, I think I only like him because he seems like their weakest link at times, but then overcomes it when he needs to. I guess I like my goalies a bit flawed.

There are a lot of people on the Chicago bandwagon for a variety of reasons that I totally get, but I'm not on it myself. They're too Jonas Brothers, young and sweet. But my exception to the rule is the boy-bandiest of them all, Kris Versteeg, who is so adorable he got his very own category in my rookie rankings earlier this year.

Here's a great article about him, and about the chemistry in the Hawks room, and his part in it. We're not really hearing much about chemistry from any team but this one. Seems like when you've gone further than anybody expected, people want to credit chemistry rather than talent. And maybe that's fair. I think that's at least partly the case here with the Aeros.

Anyway, I'm always fascinated by the whole team chemistry thing, so that was a good read. But it also makes you realize how easily a douchebag or two could really fuck it up and wonder how many teams out there are pretty dysfunctional. Sounds like the Wild were getting to be that way this season.

Then I wonder, is it harder to build good chemistry in the NHL than in the lower leagues where guys are younger and don't have kids and wives distracting them? But then the roster changes so frequently with call ups and fill ins, there's that kind of instability... Things I Ponder About Hockey for $100, Alex.

Back to the playoffs and on to the Pens... I just can't deal with Fleury. And in fact, I just don't really care for the Pens at all. And it's not even a Crosby thing. In fact, he's about the only one on the team I *DO* like, mostly because he's so vilified, which just makes him more appealing. I'm contrary like that.

And finally Carolina... I kinda pull for them because my pal Schultzie loves 'em for some reason (why is that? I've never asked).

I've never seen a whole game of theirs, I don't think. I don't really enjoy hurricanes, so they kinda dredge up bad feelings with that name of theirs... both in the "hey, where'd my roof go?" and the "one blurry, vomity weekend in New Orleans" sense.

So, I dunno. I hate being "homeless" at playoff time. Usually there's ONE team in it that I love or hate or just has a goalie I like. Not so much right now.

Hey, maybe I could sell my fandom on Craig's List and make a little dough? For $200 I'll cheer for your NHL team like they were my own, superstitions and all.

Any takers out there?

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Shout out to Ritch at AmericanHockeyFan.com for pimping Ms. Conduct on his blog today. He's bringing the Bruins-funny over there. Go check it out. I love finding a new blog that's funny and not afraid to drop some strategic f-bombs. That makes my fucking day.

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Schadenfreude at its very finest...

Thanks to Wysh for that find. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

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Wayne you, you Gretzky Waynehole!

Puck Daddy brings to our attention this morning that NHL Celebrity Blogger Kevin Smith has moved his playoff blog back to his own web site from the NHL's site. Gotta agree with PD that it is 100% ghey of the NHL to be so prudish.

Of course, I don't have kids, nor do I even like kids, so when someone says, "Won't someone please think of the children?" I'm the one slunking off into a shadowy corner hoping no one expects ME to be that someone. It ain't gonna happen, bub. Well, I'll think of them... I'll think, "Won't someone shut that brat up?" or "Don't get your sticky hands on me, small germ-laden person."

So, when humor or cleverness are sacrificed in the name of being family-friendly, it makes me all Lou Ferrigno. RAWR! (And I don't mean that in my usual sense.)

But whatever, NHL. Your league is becoming one long string of retarded Colin Campbell punishments and humorless decisions (oh yeah, and awesome hockey, but I'm bitching right now), but you seem to like it that way, so more power, I guess.

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Wow, now here's a job, all you blogger geeks...

Social Networking Coordinator for the Red Wings

Now granted, you have to live in Detroit, which is a tough ask, but I see all the postings that come through for both the NHL and AHL and this is the most interesting I've seen... interesting to me, anyway, as a blogger geek.

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Remind me not to write in Clutterbuck for Mayor

This is a pretty wacky story brought to us by Puck Daddy today.

Some Blues fans started a little grass roots TJ Oshie for Mayor campaign (at least I stuck with a hockey-related title for Clutter), but apparently they crossed a line when they posted a photo of a ballot with his name written in.

That's illegal.

Now, you'd hope that the City of St. Louis and the State of Missouri have better things to do than hunt down the perp with the cell phone, a sense of humor, and a love for Blues hockey and fine them. But these days, who the hell knows. It's like bizarro world out there.

Speaking of campaigns, voting for the Calder is finished, according to Mirtle, so I guess the Cal for Calder campaign is also over. It was a good run. Cal got some buttons and seemed to appreciate the sentiment of the thing. And most folks were awesome about taking it all in the right spirit and showing the love for the way Cal made this miserable Wild season worth watching, game after lousy game.

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Playoffs! I'm talking about Playoffs!

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

(Sorry, Christmas, but it's playoff time and that's the gift that keeps on giving.)

So, tonight, the Aeros play game 1 in Peoria. I'll be paying my $8 to watch on AHLLive.com and live and die with every shift.

But I'll also be keeping an eye on the NHL playoffs. I don't have a dog in the fight, which will make it actually a little more fun because I know there won't be tears at the end, but I certainly have some favorites.

Here are the match-ups I'll have an eye on through the first round, in order of interest:

The series I'm most excited about is Caps v. Rags. It's the Ovechkins vs. The Averys. It's Son vs. Father. I love/hate the Rangers when they have Avery (I really didn't give a rats ass about them when he was gone). So, if the Caps destroy the Rangers, then the hate part of me is pretty happy to see them get what's coming to them.

And if the Rangers somehow manage to contain #8 & Co., then the love side will be happy. I predict the Caps win handily, but Beautiful Theo finally loses his hair dealing with Avery.

I probably should be more excited about Bruins/Habs, but I love my Western Conference and I'm looking forward to seeing how injury-riddled Calgary deals with adversity against the Hawks, who seem to have just redonkulous good will and positive momentum behind them this season. Plus, I heart Kris Versteeg and his adorableness. Kipper screwed me like a $5 hooker in fantasy hockey this season, so even though I have a certain Calgary fondness, I'll shed no tears if he's on the golf course by the end of next week.

And now for the Bruins/Habs. No brainer for the Bruins here. I hate the Habs and their obnoxious fans. I'll adopt Milan Lucic as my temporary, post-season Clutterbuck. If the Red Wings make it to the finals, I hope the Caps are there with them, but if anybody else makes it from the West, I hope the Bruins are the Eastern team. And I'm not usually a fan of anything Boston -- those whining Red Sox fans and the Patriots (augh, will they just get sucky again already?) I just wanna run 'em all over with the cah. But I make an exception for the Bruins.

Obviously, the Ducks need to get completely and embarrassingly swept by the Sharks. Anything else will be terribly disappointing. Suck it, Pronger.

Okay, confession time: I don't give a rat's ass about Columbus. Seems like people are universally so happy to see this team finally in the playoffs, so I kinda feel guilty that I have absolutely no interest in getting on the Good Will Bandwagon. I mean, they're in Ohio. OHIO. Who gives a shit? Go Red Wings.

My apologies to Kevin, but I'm taking the Flyers against the Pens. I like my hockey mean and gritty, so I guess it shouldn't surprise anyone. Plus, that orange looks awesome on goalie gear. And the Pens have just never captured my imagination. I mean, yeah, they've got a ton of talent and Malkin's funny with his broken English and Sid's pretty with is pillow lips, but ... meh.

Naturally, in the Nucks/Blues matchup, I wish the Nucks nothing but heartache. From Luuuuuuuuu to the brain-eating Sedins (Is it worse to question their humanity or their sexuality? Let's just continue to do both and cover all the bases.) I'm rooting for the Failboat to just crash right into the arena and take 'em all out. Then again, I'm not real fond of the Blues other than their goalie, Chris Mason, and their giant backup goalie, Ben Bishop. Carlo Colaiacovo can take a flying leap.

Finally, I actually think Devils v. Carolina could be a really good match-up. Cam Ward is hot, Brody is The Man. But there's no rivalry fire here, so, meh. I'm definitely rooting for the Devils, but probably won't see much, if any, of this series unless they go to some ridiculous overtime.

I dunno about you, but I'm ready to drop the puck, bitches. Month and a half of late-night hockey hangovers, here we come! *yawn* Right after this nap...

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Blog you girls need to subscribe to...

It's Getting Pucks Deep, a Thrashers blog. Terrific photos from Thrash games, a goalie fixation, special attention to the hot boys, snarky commentary... I'm in bluv (that's blog-luv).

She may even convince me to appreciate the Trash in some small way, in spite of their association with the nasty Chicago Wolves.

Go get it.

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Quick hits: More Bourne; Shoot, you freaking pansy!; Suck it, figure skaters; new PHN article

Yeah, two Justin Bourne posts in a row, but seriously, what an entertaining writer. (I'm not just sucking up because he linked to my blog. Really.) And his next article on THN is out today. It's terrific, natch.

Go check it out.

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Also, in Justin's blog post today, he says, "Today’s coaches preach shoot-shoot-shoot, and the players usually want them to shut-up-shut-up-shut-up."

And I thought, "AH HA! So you guys don't like to shoot!"

I have to ask why this is. Someone please enlighten me.

Of course, it's not the first time I've asked. Every time Butchy crosses the blue line, spins around, slams on the breaks, and gets the puck taken away, I die a little more inside. And I'm a pretty patient fan. I'm not a "SHOOOOOT!" person at all, unless I see a lane and they don't take it.

I recall watching my pal Schultzie's Tri-City Americans (WHL) play a televised game earlier in the season and it was clear that sometime between juniors and the NHL, the fellas decide a) they don't have to go to the net anymore and b) they don't wanna shoot.

Here's the list of things that can happen when you shoot:

1. Goal
2. Rebound
   
3. Freeze
4. High
5. Wide
6. Fall down (maybe get laughed at)
7. Broken stick
8. Bounce off defender resulting in a breakaway
   

Which of these is worse than your coach moaning to the local paper that you won't effin' shoot the puck and it's driving his ass crazy? Maybe #8. That's it. Those are good odds. Play the odds. Shoot the f**king puck.

Unless you're shooting on Ms.Conduct. Then feel free to whiff and fall down. (Oh, I left whiff off.)

9. Whiff (maybe get laughed at... definitely by the goalie)

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Went to Memorial City like I always do mid-week to work on my footwork today. Of course, I forgot it was spring break, so there were lots of kids, but it wasn't so crowded I couldn't do my thing (which, incidentally, gets LOTS of stares at that figure skating-oriented rink).

But dammit if those friggin' figure skaters hadn't put a million holes in the ice with their toe picks. Someone dug the goddamn Grand Canyon in front of one of the creases. Chunks of ice everywhere. Really annoying. Wish it was like golf where you have to fill your divots. Hope those triple lutzes were pretty, bitches.

(Mostly kidding, though the Grand Canyon was totally true. It's actually pretty fun to watch the better skaters there, though their movements around the ice are terribly unpredictable. I spend a lot of time dodging them and vice versa.)

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Forgot to mention, my next PHN article is out today as well. Nothing special particularly. I feel kinda like I'm holding my breath through the rest of the regular season. The photos are pretty good though. Nice tight shots of Beautiful Benny and Krazy Krys.

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Which Arrested Development character is your NHL team?

I didn't get to all the teams, but these are the ones that jumped out at me. Feel free to put some suggestions in the comments. I'm ashamed that I couldn't find a Barry Zuckercorn.

Montreal Canadiens = George Bluth Sr.

Arrogant, self-absorbed, thinks everything revolves around them (and sometimes it does, but not as much as they wish or think). Possibly associated with criminals.

San Jose Sharks = Michael Bluth

Well-mannered, upstanding, well-behaved, smart, successful, handsome in a way only Californians can be. They're the steady rock of the bunch.

Dallas Stars = Lucille Bluth

Aggressive, irritating, disliked by many but still seems to get ahead in spite of adversity. Mooches off social status-seekers, who in turn benefit from the opportunities to see and be seen at various Bluth/Stars functions.

Phoenix Coyotes = Buster Bluth

Though not without certain talents, remains generally bumbling in spite of efforts to the contrary. Extreme dependency on Mother/Gretzky at once holds them aloft while also limiting the success of growth efforts.

New York Rangers = GOB Bluth

Extremely unsympathetic character. Not particularly good at anything, other than being arrogant and unpleasant. Fancy themselves rather suave and handsome, but are really just coasting on the family name.

Pittsburgh Penguins = Lindsay Bluth Fünke

Pretty and occasionally tries to care about something, but ultimately doesn't have the depth.

Philadelphia Flyers = Maeby Fünke

Gets bored if not living on the edge to some degree. Revels in rebellion, specializes in con-artistry. Can pull off wearing Safety Orange.

Toronto Maple Leafs = Oscar Bluth

Wants to be as esteemed and respected within the family as his brother, but constant ineptitude and foggy decision-making has resulted in a lifetime of failure.

Boston Bruins = Annyong

While appearing hapless and harmless most of the time, we suddenly discover they know things and are plotting their revenge for the years of disrespect. Hello, Frozen Banana Vengeance!

Nashville Predators = Lucille "Two" Austero

Completely lovable, warts, dizzies and all, for the whimsy and gumption shown in the face of adversity. Plays the spoiler and incites ridicule from traditionalists for her "Little Engine that Could" approach to life.

Anaheim Ducks = Bob Loblaw

"Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else... noticed?"
Though giving off an air of serious professionalism, ethics and moral fortitude aren't a high priority.

Detroit Red Wings = Wayne Jarvis

"I use one word to describe myself. What is it?" "Professional."
Almost obnoxious in their focus and seriousness and lack of frivolity, yet willing to hide behind the couch or skate through octopus slime if it helps the matter at hand.

Washington Capitals = STEVE HOLT!

Creates a lot of good will through sheer confidence and contagious enthusiasm. You want to hate them, but can't find a solid reason to.

Tampa Bay Lightning = Kitty Sanchez

Slightly (okay, maybe a lot) crazy, not to be trusted with anything important, like #1 draft picks or long term contracts. Likes to make a splash by showing off sexy assets, but isn't smart enough to actually do any real harm with what little power they have left from their heyday.

Vancouver Canucks = White Power Bill

Like to act tough, but we discover soon enough that they're really just full of self-loathing. And because we loathe them, too, we sympathize (and yet do nothing to discourage it, as we know that eventually they'll jump off the ledge on their own).

Minnesota Wild = Ann Veal
"Her?" Highly principled, often rather dull, but nevertheless inspires great, inexplicable devotion from loved ones. Often forgotten about by everyone except aforementioned loved ones.

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