Wrapping up my bi-polar week in net

So, I wrote a big long whiny post about Monday night, but decided it was too whiny even for me. It was really tedious, so you're welcome for sparing you.

But it suffices to say that I was absolutely fucking awful at drop-in. FUCKING. AWFUL. I think at some point I let in 10 shots in a row. I was as close to tears on the ice as I've ever been. I was standing there wondering how I was going to get undressed without bursting into tears in front of everybody, or maybe I should just head straight to the bathroom, have my cry, and then change.

How humiliating.

But my girl Cyndi showed me some love, got me to laugh, and told me to take off if I needed to. She knew I was tired from goalie clinic (which I was feeling awful after), but for some reason, I wouldn't or couldn't recognize how tired I was and just got more and more and more discouraged.

I screamed at a guy just for having his stick in my crease (haha). Just horrible melt-down.

And they were so nice about it. I owe them for that, especially as I haven't played that drop-in as well as I'd like in a few weeks. That probably was in the back of my mind fueling the melt-down.

Anyway, I was rejecting Cyndi's offers to call it quits. I was angry and I needed to prove to myself that I could stop some pucks. I needed to shake off the crisis of confidence.

So I stayed out and I stopped pretty much everything after that.

I finally snagged a really pretty one in my glove (god bless them, they've all learned to act real impressed when I make a glove save) and said, "Okay, with that... I'm DONE. See you next week!"



We had some laughs afterward and that took the edge off but I was still feeling pretty glum when I got home.

I wasn't sure how it was going to carry over tonight at Women's league. In fact, I was so rattled, my legs didn't quit shaking and my heart didn't stop pounding until the second period tonight.

But I saw a handful of shots in the first and eventually settled down, and then saw maybe 3 more shots the whole game and got another shutout (5-0 final). Can't even get excited about this one. It's nice, but doesn't mean a whole lot when you see so few shots.

So, this means we're in the championship week after next, likely with Captain Danglemitt's team, so that will be an epic battle. But this is one where I literally have to just think of it as enjoying one last game with these girls as my teammates and savor every minute. Fully intend to drink my face off after that one, too. It's gonna be a blast, regardless of who wins.

Enjoying the process.

Couple of funny things from the night:

It was CRAZY humid at Space City. The glass was sweating, the ice had a layer of fog hovering over it.... and it was raining. Not even kidding. As I stood there, bored out of my mind, I could just hear it -- drip, drip, drip -- all around my crease and up the center of the ice. On my helmet, on my back, on my net. Drip, drip, drip.

Also, because I was so nervous in the first, I was fighting the puck, so while I made the saves, they weren't pretty. So I was trying to settle myself down and what came to mind?

HONEY BADGER.

Cuz honey badger don't give a shit. I'mma be like honey badger! Can't get enough honey badger.



And with that, tomorrow morning I'm off to Dallas to spend time with my family and see the Blue Jays. I hope those bats keep going the next two days! They're kicking ass in Dallas!

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Caffeinated Late Night Brain Spew

Sooo, I drank a bunch of Coke when I got home because I don't play for 4 days, so why not? I'm on vacation, bitches. I can keep ridiculous hours if I wanna.

But that means I'm bored, so I'm sitting around remembering stuff I could have mentioned about my (really great) game tonight or have had on my mind. It's kind of rambling since I don't have anything better to do, and it's, as usual, all me-me-me. I promise my next post will be about the Wild's baby goalies I watched in their scrimmage today (and hopefully again tomorrow). I tweeted a bunch of stuff, but can't wait to expound on that after I get another look at them. I'm pretty excited about them.

Gatorade: Too much of a good thing?

I only drank water during the game tonight. For as long as I can remember, I've been mixing Gatorade in my water bottle (about 3/4-1/2 strength). But tonight I felt really good with just water. So I'm wondering if I'm over-Gatorading myself by drinking only that and not water.

I'd already planned to keep bottles of both on my net at camp so I can choose, but I'm thinking going forward when I'm back home, I should stick with water. I did have a granola bar about 1.5 hours before game time since I knew I wasn't going to have Gatorade.

Anyway, just thinking out loud really. I learned a LOT about my hydration needs when I used to do all that distance walking, so I thought I had this down, but I actually felt better clear to the end tonight. Was I feeling better because I was playing well? Or was I playing well because I was feeling better? Hmmmmmm....

Intimidation

Another thing that was different was, as I mentioned, the other goalie essentially being a non-goalie fill-in. I think the typical phenomenon is for goalies, when they realize their opponent is probably weaker, to maybe let up a bit. But for me, I look at it like, "Holy crap, I have a chance here!" and actually play better.

Intimidation is my biggest mental game killer. I get intimidated by players who beat me regularly and by goalies who I can plainly see are much better than me. And I think being intimidated by the other goalie might even be worse than by the players. *I* control the outcome of my interaction with a player. But the goalie? All I can do is hope my team solves them.

I know it's silly to be intimidated by someone I can do absolutely nothing about, and yet, there it is. Why can't I *always* believe I have a chance, even if the other goalie's some kinda puck eater?

I guess part of it is that I'm not stupid. Repetition is what drills something into your mind, and as a new goalie, I've spent most of my time losing. So it's tough to believably encourage that little seed of confidence when the self-doubt is repeatedly validated with empirical evidence. All I can figure to do about that is keep working to improve and let Success feed that seed.

And I'm not one for whom pithy rah-rah bullshit really has much impact. However, I do get the occasional bit of advice that sinks in and rings true. My favorite of late that I call upon quite frequently to combat intimidation from players came to me from the pro ranks. I don't remember the whole story, but the bottom line is that you have to stop the puck, not the player. So don't worry about who the player is. Worry about the puck on their stick.

Not to say you don't pay attention to tendencies and whatnot, but it's all about the puck at the end of the day.  Stop the puck. "Puck, not player," I say to myself on my drive to the rink.

Sticking it to 'em

Something I'm noticing improving in my game since I started going to goalie clinic is my ability to make stops with my stick. Before, I was keeping my stick in close to my body to the point where, because of my bulky gear, I almost couldn't even see it if I looked down. How the hell can I track a puck to something I can't see?

So, lately I've been keeping it further out in front of me AND I'm doing a much better job keeping it on the ice. Every shot along the ice, my instinct now is to try and get my stick on it first, whether I'm staying up or butterflying, that stick is the moat around my castle.

And not only does this change in behavior just plain make sense, it saves me a few up and downs, and as a goalie who is interested in economy of energy, I really dig that. :)

I think one of the best parts of my game tonight was getting my stick in passing lanes around the net, creating deflections, etc. I'm pretty proud to see a small improvement in some part of my game, especially so unexpectedly. Never know where the little epiphanies will come from.

Camp Plans

One of the great things about camp is that I'll see a brazillion shots from all different kinds of drills. There are two kinds of ice times we're tending: individual skills and team skills. So, one of the things I want to do is have a piece of my game I want to work on for each session.

Nothing too complicated but I'm thinking of things like keeping my glove and blocker out in front of me in my field of vision, keeping my stick on the ice, challenging more aggressively, etc. I probably need to go through my goaltending books to see if I can come up with some more ideas.

Have I mentioned here that I'm going to be on the ice 15 hours over 4 days? As one person said, "Isn't that why you're going?" Well sure, but holy hell! That's a lotta time between the pipes. Most I've ever done is maybe 5 hours over 3 days. Eep! I'm playing 5 hours in ONE day next week. Pray for me! Pray for my feet! Pray for my ass muscles!

Foam Roller

I finally broke down and bought a 36" foam roller. I've been wanting one for months, but after using one as part of my PT, I'm completely sold on the benefits. It will hopefully be here waiting for me when I get back. Boy am I gonna need it. And whatever that can't get, I've got the lovely Ally to rescue me from my ache-related woes.

(BTW, if you're a Houston reader and want a GREAT deal on a massage, go see her at the Memorial Hermann Wellness Center down off 59 and Beechnut. She's doing her internship and it's only $29 for an hour. A steal and she somehow magically finds every angry trigger point and whips it into submission. Though I'm pretty sure she can do one of those feel-good massages, too, but if I'm not crawling off the table and going, "OW OW OW" at some point, then we're not getting anything accomplished.)

Okay. I think I'm done dumping my brain. Now I need to make lists. I hate making lists because then I need a list to remember my lists, but when it comes to a) moving or b) vacations, I have to break down and do it.

For what it's worth...

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The Lalala Experiment Continues

You know what's weird? Playing hockey for an hour only to find out at the end that you know two of the dudes you're playing with.

That happened tonight at drop-in. I'll spare them the outing if they'll forget what a shitty goalie I am. Deal, boys?

Actually, I had a decent night considering the quality of the competition. Let some dumb ones in, but made some good saves and didn't leave hanging my head like last week. Never really felt intimidated and challenged and kept the angle down on some breakaway chances, so I feel really good about that after playing like I didn't wanna break a nail last week.

It was FAST game, thanks to having some good players in the mix and a good balance between the teams. And Fast=Fun.

Wasn't as focused as Sunday night and found myself drifting mentally a few times, especially if I didn't see a shot for a while. But that didn't happen much. I stayed busy.

Jason, the other goalie, had probably the sickest save I've ever seen outside of the pro ranks. 2 on 1 and he dove across the crease and made a mid-air glove save. The place erupted like I've never heard at a drop-in. It was a special save.

I wore my cat eye cage for the first time, too. WOW! What a difference. But one that I didn't really notice other than a complete lack of ever thinking about my cage. I definitely felt like I wasn't having to work as hard to see the puck. Felt like natural vision, rather than through a grid.For all the frustration getting it installed, it's totally worth it.

Did the music-in-the-head thing again tonight but could never settle on a song. Gonna have to be more prescriptive about that, I guess. Random choices on the radio didn't work for me. But I still believe in the strategy because I didn't find myself overthinking at all.

Underthinking was more the problem. I guess that means I should take my happy ass to bed. Ugh, shower first though. I'm gross.

One of the songs in rotation tonight. Not on purpose. I just love it and it sneaked in:

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Suck it, slump!

Nothing fills me with a sense of well-being and contentedness like a good game in goal. You know that feeling when you're a little buzzed but not quite drunk where you want to tell everyone you love them and all is right with the world? That's pretty much what I'm feeling right now.

It's a calm, tempered pleasure though, because I certainly did make mistakes tonight. Four of them to be exact, but apparently 4 is exactly the number of goals against I can remember, so I can actually talk through them now:

1.  Didn't come until about 5 mins into the 2nd period and NOT, for a change, because I wasn't seeing shots in the first. I saw a ton of shots. Probably the most I've ever seen in novice. And it came from the son of one of the regular novice guys who plays junior A in Canada. He basically deked my entire team out of their jocks and came in 1-on-0 at me. I should have gone for the poke check but instead just tried to stay with him and he poked it right around my toe as I was down and sliding. Wish I had video of that one so I could have another look at it and replay it in my head.
2. Second was a chumpy goal that I absolutely should have had. I didn't battle enough to get over on the correct angle and Joe put it in short side on me. Dumb, lazy goal. *shame*
3. Third one came in the 3rd period and was a really nice pass in tight and I JUST missed getting a toe on it sliding over. I didn't read the play fast enough to get over in time. Don't feel terrible about that one. Great play.
4. Junior A boy again, broke away and, god bless her, my defenseman was BUSTING her ass to catch him and did manage to hassle him some, but he was still able to just rip one at me. To be honest, I should have had it, but I was dazzled by my defenseman's effort and wasn't ready for the shot. Got caught watching. A real pisser, too, because we were just a couple of minutes from a win. That goal tied it up and we ended 4-4. He's good, but I was on angle and it was just a mental lapse.

Now for the good stuff:
Hot shot broke away again after that goal and ripped another one at me. BLOCKER SAVE bitches. :) Ohhh, it felt good to get him, but he had no one to pass to, so I knew he had no choice but to shoot, so I just got set on the right angle (one that I often have trouble with) and nailed it. Definitely the save of the game for me, but was the only one with any particular drama. Most of them were low and right into me. A few cool saves around the posts, though.

Also, my defense was fantastic. I left some really juicy rebounds out there but they let me see everything and were ready to pounce on any loose pucks. They were amazing and gave me a ton of confidence. I was definitely 100% <3 <3 <3 for them all game. And one had never even played D before but she was a natural! Great vision.

Feel good about my mental game and employed a little trick another goalie suggested that I feel helped me tonight. What he does is get some riff of a song in his head and uses that as sort of a noise-canceling device. What he said to me was basically, "You can't stop the noise in you head, but you can choose the noise in your head."

I actually hadn't planned to employ that tonight but I ended up having a riff of a song stuck in my head and thought, "Okay, let's give that trick a try!" Also started the game with the mantra, "I can stop this." Positive thinking + one puck at a time. That lost out to the song riff though, which stuck all game. Any time I started thinking thoughts other than positive, constructive thoughts, I went to my song, sung quietly to myself, just let it fill my head and push the other stuff out.

I'd love to tell you what the song was, but I have no idea. Just something I heard either in the car or in the rink before we started. I tried searching but couldn't find it, so I'm thinking I have the lyrics wrong in my head. Haha! Oh well. Doesn't matter. It did the job.

Warm-ups were awful, which is interesting. I was letting everything in. But sometimes that means I'll end up having a really good game because it puts the fear in me a little. Also, before the game, while I sat in the car and listened to the Aeros lose in the shootout (again), I did one of my eye exercises to get them teaming and focused AND I tossed a tennis ball around for a little bit while I got dressed. Just little things that are easy to add in and I think make a difference.

Stupid move of the night was that I left my jock hanging on the wall in the garage. Luckily, I didn't have to stop any slappers with my pelvis. Not usually a big worry in novice league, but still, I definitely thought about it a few times during the game.

Anyway, fun stuff. Got me a ripping headache now, though. Stupid daylight savings time always makes me feel crummy for like a week. Gonna hit the hay and try to get some good sleep. Maybe get that hour back those bastards took from me!

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Leggo my Ego

Wow, so I've written this post 3 times now (this is the 4th) and the first two I deleted because I was whining.

And the third, my battery died and reverted to my last whiny version. Crap.

So, here I go again, being even more succinct that last night SUCKED ASS in goal and I hope I never see its like again.

I sucked. One of the skaters was a complete douchebag to me (but I knocked him over on a save, so snack on that Douchy McDoucherson). The rink was fucking HOT. I continued to suck.

There's this black, human-sized "thing" just outside the boards by the Aeros locker room end of the rink, and I must have looked over at that thing 30 times thinking it was someone standing there watching me. Jesus H. Move that thing, SLICE!

Got a couple of nice bruises for my trouble though. Or at least one. The one of my foot hasn't bruised up yet but it's tender. The one on the inside of my upper arm (glove side) is puck-sized and going from pink to purple as the day wears on. Beauty.

Oh well. There's always next time. I think I'm just frustrated because I feel like I'm plateauing... and not in a comfortable place. Right around the first of the year, I was playing so well and now ... bleh. It's up and down but mostly down. Last night, I really felt like, "What am I doing?" That's an awful feeling to have about something you love.

But hey, slumps hit everyone and I stand by my theory that, for me, a slump buster should be a really hot guy. :) Fill me with your "confidence," hottie. I'm taking volunteers.

Alright alright. I'll behave.

Unless you don't want me to.

Ahem. Anyway... where was I?

Oh yeah, I suck. I'm in a slump. SLICE rink A is weird and hot.

Thought I'd feel worse watching On the Fly last night, but Steve Mason's game saved my evening. Those goals he let in? That was like me on nearly every shot last night. Got a piece of everything but rarely enough to stop them. That's how it was last Sunday, too.

Ohhhh, fragile goalie. Toughen up, will you? *sigh*

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Mental Tuesday

One little thought: I'm reading a book on mental training for athletes (they let pretend-athletes read it, too... in fact, we probably need it more) and it's making me realize how negative my thoughts were on Sunday. Every rush, every shot, I was thinking, "Don't let this one in."

Talk about the the wrong thing for a goalie to be saying to herself! (Why don't I realize this in the moment?)

Tonight, my goal is to replace any negative thoughts with, "Gimme your best shot."

I know it's seems corny to have to think like this, but when you're an overthinker like me, you have to have a plan for dealing with it. And that phrase will shut down the overthinking, make me want to play at the top of my crease, make me want to challenge and be aggressive.

And with that.... it's nap time!

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Wisdom of the Slopes and other junk

Loved the post-bronze-medal-run interview with Bode Miller today:

"You need to know you enjoyed it. I mean, it's the Olympics. So, I closed my eyes as I went across the line, I kinda shut everything off for a second and went back through and gave myself a thumbs up, so I was psyched at that point. And it's obviously great to get a medal out of it, too, but at that point you have to be honest with yourself whether you performed well or didn't, and I was psyched with it."

That struck a chord with me, and is pretty much how I operate, which means there's often a disconnect in the way my team perceives my play and how I perceive it.

Coach Stalin was telling me the other day how some of my teammates she plays with on another night were talking about how well I played a few weeks ago, and I just don't see it. I had a couple of good saves late in the game and we won, but a couple of goals early that were so soft, you could stuff 'em in a pillowcase and sleep on 'em.

So, I guess if it's good enough for Bodie, it's good enough for me. Stop worrying about what anybody else thinks, progress the way I need to progress, and be honest with myself about my performance.

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So, my gut reaction when I saw this cage set-up was:

"Oh my god! HAHAHAHA!"

What is UP with that? Beyond the aesthetics, it doesn't even look safe. I know women don't tend to have the slapshot that will break bars on your cage, but... well... I dunno. It's like she ran through a chicken coop on her way to the rink and just kept the chicken wire wrapped around her helmet. Ugh.

It's interesting anyway. Hutch tweeted for more information on it, so hopefully we'll learn more. But really. Honey. Mercy.

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Deciding whether to play the Tuesday drop-in tomorrow night. I said I'd play it when I don't get invited to Monday's drop-in, and I'd really like a little more time on this new sharpening to get used to it.

Worst case, we have too many goalies and it sucks and I have an opportunity to say something to the rink guys about how fucking stupid it is to not have a cap on how many goalies can participate.

The good news is that my knee is feeling pretty good today, so getting some rest for it has helped and alleviates my worry that there's something more significant going on that rest won't fix.

Honestly, I'm feeling kinda jacked about this new sharpening. I think it's the start of improving some things in my game, once I get past the terror of tripping over myself due to too much bite. :)

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Men's Olympic hockey starts tomorrow. I'm pretty jacked for that and don't even really care what country is playing which at this point. I just need my insatiable thirst for hockey quenched. I had to stop myself several times from dialing up the NHL Network tonight to watch OTF.

This video makes me laugh from beginning to end... Is there anything funnier than a nerdy looking white guy rapping so earnestly? OMG. I think I have a new front runner for Best At-Bat Song.

Bitch. Is. Thirstayyyy.

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Greatness is fleeting and that's okay

My go-to radio station lately is Alt Nation on XM radio. I love this station.

(Except for one of the DJs, Madison, who is like nails on a chalkboard. To her credit, she seems to be aware of this and does it anyway, which if you know me at all, well... I'm pretty much the same way. Hopefully not nails on a chalkboard but, you know, eff off if you don't like how I roll.)

Sorry, tangent there. Anyway, it used to be that I never got into music because so little of it seemed like it was more than a one-hit wonder. And what's the point in that? I wanted to find an artist or band who I could hang my hat on and say, "That is my favorite."

I found a few through the years who could fit that bill. The latest is the Hip. The only one that has really stood the test of time is Simon & Garfunkel. That concert in Central Park album is still probably my all time favorite album in the history of albums. I even have the dialogue between songs memorized.

But as this Alt Nation station has grown on me, I've come to appreciate that something can be both fleeting and wonderful. I may never hear another song from As Tall as Lions, but I still love this song.



And I was driving around today (driving! my car works!) and thinking about the notion of greatness being fleeting and ephemeral. Not so much the notion itself but embracing the notion.

In other words, living in the moment with what's great in that moment and not worrying about what came before or where it goes next.

I think you can probably see where this has a goaltending application, right? I mean, the mindset of a goalie is 100% in the moment. And greatness is breathtakingly fleeting at times. Sure, the best of them can be consistently great over long periods, but even they have bad games, injuries, and other rapids to navigate.

So to be able to appreciate and enjoy those moments of greatness even if they're surrounded by less-than-stellarness would be a nice thing to be able to do, right?

My litmus test for what matters is, when I'm old and on my way to tend the ol' net in the sky and I look back, what do I remember? That I let in that floater from center ice? Or the moments of greatness that weave together to make the tapestry of my experiences?

The takeaway, as my corporate peers like to say, is that ideally we could embrace and appreciate the moments of greatness for what they are. Moments. Fleeting and rare and wonderful. And likewise, understanding that the space in between that is average-to-crappy is what makes us appreciate the greatness when it reveals itself again.

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Speaking of greatness, after my staunch declaration yesterday that I have no use for a goalie sweater with another goalie's name on it, Google Alerts tests me and sends me this.

In a million years, I wouldn't pay $350 for a hockey sweater unless there's a player in it. I'd rather have new pads. But damn. PURPLE FLAMES, BITCHES! FMD. It even looks like the sublimated kind, which I love to sleep in when it's cool enough.

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Big shout out to my girl, Artnhockey, who is IN Bonita Springs and went to the Blades practice this morning and is going to the Blades game tomorrow night. Can't wait to see pics of Brusty and all the rest of the boys (okay, don't really give a shit about the rest of the boys... not gonna lie).

Safe travels, you guys!

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In honor of my boys Simon and Garfunkel, one of my favorite movie scenes. Can't imagine why.

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Well that sucked

Used to be that my Tuesday drop-in was a time slot bought by one guy and everyone paid him to play. But I guess a while back it turned into a regular, rink-driven drop-in.

And before, the goalies were somewhat controlled by the guy who paid for the ice, though there were sometimes still too many or not enough. But it was during this time that he asked me to basically be his reliable goalie and always be there and I'd be guaranteed my own net if I wanted it.

Well, if there are 3 goalies. I wasn't going to be an ass and make the other two share a net. I did do it once because I was missing part of an Aeros game to be there.

Anyway, now nobody's regulating the goalies and the rink guys don't even have a goalie limit. It really should be at 3 or 4. 4 is pushing it for an hour and a half ice time unless it's an All Star Game.

Tonight we had FIVE. Luckily one of the guys l.eft after his second 10 minute shift, but I drew the bad straw timing wise and also only got 20 minutes total in net. And I think I let just about every shot in. The only good save I had was in minute 19, which was a mere 15 minutes before the ice time was over. Talk about playing ice cold the whole game, I had 20 minute breaks between my 10 minute shifts. BOOOO.

But that was only half the issue.

My head just wasn't in it. I drank a bunch of Dr. Pepper to get through a work project that I basically spent all night last night on. I knew I shouldn't but it was DUBLIN Dr. Pepper and I was tired and not being rational.

Well, caffeine in medium to large doses causes panic attacks for me. And sure enough, here one came when I was heading to the rink. This one came to me in the form of a horrible sense of impending doom. I just had a terrible feeling that I should not go to the drop-in.

But I knew somewhere inside that I needed to press ahead. So I headed to the rink and on the way there, I realized, "OHHHH, this is a panic attack!"

I even laughed out loud at myself for not realizing it sooner. But at least I realized it at all, and instantly settled down as a result.

But at some point in there, I turned off and shut down for the night. And yet I still had to play. So my head was not in it at all. My eyes are super tired, too, so I wasn't focusing well and my exotropic eyes were challenged to track the puck even on simple shots.

Bad night all around. Worst part of all is that I turned down an invite to go get my beer on for it. Of all the things I did wrong tonight, I won't make that mistake again.

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Sweet Disposition

Kinda weird night at novice tonight. I didn't see a shot for the first 10 minutes, and then I let the first two in. Once I started to see more rubber, I started to get into it more, but it's always a little bit of a mindfuck playing against Scott TFCG, who was in net for Jessica tonight.

I want to play well and I want him to see that I'm doing well, which means I'm putting unusual importance on the game and that takes me out of my zone a bit.

I knew that mental challenge was going to be there and I'm not sure I got a handle on it like I wanted, but I guess awareness counts for something.

My team ended up winning but I saw so few shots and he saw so many, his GAA would send mine to bed crying and without dinner. It was really lopsided and he played great. Made some sick pad saves on passes in close. "Wow" stuff. Nice job, Scotty.

I had some good saves, too, but one goal really bothered me because it was a straight up mental lapse and that's something I've been working hard at lately with a good bit of success.

It was a 2 on 0 breakaway and I'll just walk you through the mistakes I made:

1. I saw the breakaway form and every green sweater behind them and thought, "Well fuck. Someone skate!" when I should have thought, "Okay, what are the risks here?" and figured out my plan of attack.
   
2. Mikey had the puck and was bearing down hard and I really really really wanted to stop him because he's so good and I'd love to just slam the door closed. But, I focused so hard on Mikey that Jessica, who was streaking in at center, was a mere speck on the radar. She said after, "You should have seen that coming!" Indeed, I should have, but I lost my focus on the big picture, went exclusively after Mikey, and all he had to do was wait for me to commit and he passed to her. Easiest goal ever.
3. I gave up on the play. I should have flung myself across and at least tried to get my stick or something in front of Jessica's shot.
   
4. I got mad. I whacked the cross bar. I screamed FUCK! Can't tell you the last time I got really mad about a goal. I guess it happens from time to time. I really wanted that one and ended up looking stupid, so I guess that just didn't sit well.
   

It wasn't that I didn't make the stop, because 2 on 0 is a tough proposition even for the best goalies, but the fact that I played it so poorly and didn't give myself a chance really sticks in my craw.

Oh well. Learn and forget about it.

Looks like I won't have Monday hockey again until the 25th, unless something comes up. I think that's good because my knee hurts so bad tonight. Definitely calling the chiropractor tomorrow and getting adjusted as soon as I can. I feel so out of whack and I know that's part of the problem. Not playing 3 in 3 will help.

Cripes. I'm so hungry, I'm contemplating getting dressed and going out to get some food. Don't have much in the house. But that would mean going up and down the stairs on my aching knee. Need to go down and take some Advil anyway.

I try not to be mouthy at Novice because... well, I just try not to... but something about goal shuts off that filter between mouth and brain, which is already getting sievier and sievier as I get older anyway and quit giving a fuck what anyone thinks about me. This song seems appropriate:

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Sad bunny finds a smile

Watching the Gold Medal game. Would have made it home without knowing the result and that would have been fun, but some jerkoff wanders up to where everyone is standing around watching the high school team before us practice, and says, "USA beat Canada in the World Juniors."

There was a collective, "AUGH, I had that DVR'd! Thanks a lot!"

Really wasn't sure how this drop-in was going to go tonight. My third game in three nights, it really wasn't feeling very important to me, and I'd spent most of the evening before hockey fighting back sad bunny tears.


Last time I played a Tuesday drop-in in the midst of a pity party for myself, I was AWFUL. I was awful and I lost my cool and I drove home... not just crying... but WAILING. It was uuuuugly.

So I was wary. I knew I needed to just get absorbed in the game and honor the experience. It helped that one of my defensemen and I were talking before the game about what a blessing it is to get to play hockey. I nearly let loose the waterworks right then and there but just agreed with him and got back to stretching.

Also probably helped that stupid skaters crashed into me not once but TWICE during warm-ups. What the hell. Raise your head occasionally, dumbass. That got the adrenaline going though.

Started the game with the much more skilled Dark team shooting on me. I stopped the first shot and it was a good one, so I felt good. And from there, I was into it big time and the good play lasted the full 15 minute shift in that net, where I stayed very busy, and resumed when I got in net at the other end against the white team.

TWO rushes in a row, the white team dinged me HARD right in the mask with their shots. One of them kinda stung but I've had worse. Didn't bother me. But on the next rush (odd man, naturally) I start screaming, "AIM FOR THE HEAD! AIM FOR THE HEAD!"

They're all like, "WTF?"

And I'm thinking, "Oh shit, girl, you act like that, you better stop this thing."

I stopped it. :)

It was awesome.

I also pulled a Brusty and poke checked the REALLY good guy on the white team so thoroughly, I kept his stick in my crease and sent him flying into the boards. He was fine and had a big grin for me when he got up. I had a big grin for him, too.

In fact, my favorite thing tonight was just making those saves, and looking right at the shooter and smiling real big at 'em.

By the time I got down to the other end for my final 15 minute shift, the white team was getting a little tired and it was a lot of odd-man rushes. I held 'em off pretty well for a while, but the last 10 minutes they figured out to shoot high glove. Goal, goal, goal, goal. Rough, but that's okay.

It's still by far the best I've played this drop-in. And it was fast fast fast. The faster it was, the better I was. When it got slower near the end and the Dark guys had time to pick their spots rather than just having to get a shot off, that's when I got roasted.

Anyway, it was a blast and really nice to string two confident nights together without cratering under the weight of my own cockiness. The goal, of course, is to be cocky all the time and be able to stand behind it. Because it's waaaaaay the fuck more fun to be a cocky goalie. Sorry. That's just me being genuine. ;)




Oh! And big ol' PS here! I figured out why my freaking right pad is always jacked up. The hard padding in the front of the right leg of my pants is maladjusted somehow so there's a big lump on the front that pushes the pad inward on my leg. I dunno why it took me this long to figure out, but I finally did while I was standing around tonight.

So I'm gonna have to do some investigation and possibly surgery on my pants the front of my right leg flat like it is on the left leg. Isn't that weird? But I'm thinking it may fix my stupid pad flip problem! That would be awesome.

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Oh, and four more things...

First of all, when when a sweaty joint like Houston is 2 days away from a hard freeze that's supposed to last a couple of days, why, when I go to Lowe's and Home Depot today, do they not have

• Plant covering fabric
• Outside faucet covers, and
  
• Space heaters

all right as you walk in the door?

I went looking for all three today and came up completely empty handed. So I guess I'll just sit and freeze in my first floor office (thermostats are on the second and third floors... I'm wearing my Edmonton Eskimos hoodie---hood up---as I type this), and manually wrap my pipes and fruit trees. At least that option is free, but it's a pain in my ass for sure.

Just seems like they could capitalize on a little hysteria, right?

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Second of all, if you're on Twitter and you dig goalies, you need to be following @MikeMcKenna56.

Nothing mind blowing there, unless you just want to stare at his picture, which I'll admit to doing (but surely didn't NEED to admit to, right? You knew already. He's gorgeous.) But he does give a nice little slice of life of an AHL netminder. And he's got good grammar. Bonus!

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I've talked about this before but I'm on a tear about it today. A fresh year gets everybody all reflective about their accomplishments (or, usually, lack thereof) and there's a self-improvement vibe in the air. Be more positive, be more productive, be skinnier and happier and then everything will be great.

It's the "positivity" bandwagon... Tony Robbins and inspirational quotes and all of that... that really sends me over the edge. I read a quote from Apolo Ohno on Twitter today saying, "“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.” Try it for a full 2 days."

Huh? It just seems so disingenuous.

Personally, I value someone being genuine vs. someone being positive. I appreciate the need to reframe a crappy situation as "challenging" but really, if it's crappy, it's also still crappy. You can acknowledge that something is crappy while also realizing that it will get better and you'll likely gain something personally by going through it.

Am I making sense here? I just hate to second guess what someone is really feeling or thinking vs. their behavior or words.

What if people were challenged to just be genuine? Wouldn't that be more interesting?

Just a thought.

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Bourney had a great take on goaltending today, and my reaction to the bold part was "EXACTLY!!!":

The tendency for beat writers and analysts is to forget the most important fact: context is needed for every evaluation of goaltender performance. Just because a goalie makes 46 saves doesn’t qualify it as a well played game. Just because a goalie gets over the coveted 90% save mark doesn’t mean he played well either. It comes down to “should he have stopped THAT shot”, each one as an isolated incident. On any given night, maybe the answer to all 50 shots taken is “yes”.

Of course, that doesn't leave credit for making saves that were nigh on impossible. And this is part of what makes studying goaltenders so interesting. They are like fingerprints, every one a little different, in different situations. They have to be seen in action, in context, to be understood.

It's kinda how I felt about Khudobin on Sunday. Yeah, he stopped a ton of shots, but he missed some he should have had. And probably stopped a couple he shouldn't have. Unfortunately, in the math of goaliedom, that doesn't equal out. You still have to get a few you shouldn't but you really do HAVE to get all the ones you should.

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Sometimes it feels so good to say, "Fuck you" and just mean the hell out of it, doesn't it? I wouldn't recommend trying it for a full 2 days, but I do suggest being positive about it.

"Fuck you. Wait... am I positive about that? Yes. Yes, I am. Fuck you."

Ahhh.... that felt good. Naptime?

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3 in 3s ate my brain

So, how about a little state of the union? Comparing last week's Tuesday where I didn't have a game the night before, and this week's Tuesday where I did (and it was pretty strenuous, but I played well), I'm starting to see what the problem is on Tuesdays.

Mentally, I'm just fried on day 3 of playing goal. I know my body can do it. My legs are little tired but not so much that I can't do what I need to do.

It's just that I catch myself watching. And then when I do have the game in my end, I can't react fast enough in my head, and so the body is also slow to follow.

By Tuesday, I've checked out and need a mental break from the game, and I really felt it last night.

Mr.C came to watch for the first time (on Tuesday) and felt like I did okay, especially given how fast the game was (there were some college players home for the holiday who kept the pace high all game long), but I know when I'm playing badly and I played badly.

His suggestion was to cut back to two games a week, but I just don't want to give up free ice time, and I don't want to stop novice, either. I get something unique from each night I play, and I don't want to give any of them up.

The only night I don't typically enjoy as much is Tuesday, but I had a blast last week, so I think it's more because I'm just drained and don't have much left to give them and don't play well on Tuesdays. It's definitely my hardest night of the week, so to drop it feels like a cop out. I like having that level of competition in the mix.

I love Monday. It's only an hour, but I work my can off and the people are nice and respectful and mature and supportive. Plus, they don't always need me. I assume some other goalies have first dibs, but I guess lately they haven't been able or willing to come out. I'd love to be their default goalie so I don't have to wait until a few days before (or even the day of) to find out I'm playing it.

And of course, Sundays are my "home." And much like going home, Sunday's are sometimes aggravating because I feel more pressure to be a certain way there, but there's a history and camaraderie that is comforting. Plus I get to work on things during practices that I don't get to any other time.

Sooo, giving up a night doesn't feel good to me. Which means I've GOT to find a way to stop just surviving Tuesdays, but play my best on Tuesdays. Or something closer to it.

But I'm at a loss as to how to do that. And like I said, I don't believe it's a conditioning issue. It's mental. You know how it feels when you're trying to walk in water? It felt like my ability to process the game, to react to situations, to communicate to my body to do what it needs to do, was traveling through water. Slog slog slog.

How do I unfog a tired mind and be sharp and have a high level of compete for this game? Especially when it's my hardest, fastest night of the week, my body is most tired? I guess most people would chug a Red Bull or something, but I can't have caffeine. I take vitamins, I try to eat right with a good carb/protein ratio for energy, I drink chocolate milk or Endurox after every game to try and get my muscles recovering nicely.

I've tried using Shaun's advice of having a plan, but when I'm having trouble with focus and mental clarity, it's hard to even remember the plan, much less stick to it. Maybe my plan needs to be simpler, but really, my plan last night was just to focus on staying square to the puck (as it has been all week). But that wasn't enough, as I failed to execute in other ways.

Ahhhhh, to have such problems as how to deal with too much ice time. :) Honestly, I'm grateful for it, but I really would like to represent myself better on Tuesdays, because I know I'm a better goalie than they're getting. But I've got to lift the fog to do it.

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