Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sex and Hockey

Soooo, you mention sex and hockey and you get my attention. An interview with Ovie was released in which he said that sex before and after hockey is beneficial to his game.

You can watch the interview here, in which both the interviewer and interviewee seem to be bored out of their minds. I know Russians can and do laugh because I've seen it, but I'm starting to think it's about as rare as unicorns. Maybe this interview needed more vodka. Or less? Anyway...

In hearing this, I wondered if I've been neglecting some important part of game preparation and recovery. My game day routine is more like:

  1. Big breakfast to get some food in me before I'm too nervous to eat.
  2. Maybe a movie or something to kill time, distract me, and stave off the butterflies for a few hours.
  3. Good lunch, though the butterflies are starting, so I want something bland and carby.
  4. Maybe a nap if I'm not well-rested or the game is really late.
  5. A snack if I can figure something out that doesn't make me want to hurl.
  6. A couple of hours of wondering why the hell I'm doing this, who do I think I am, then reminding myself that at least I'm more fun to have in net than a cone or shooter tutor, and then getting angry because how dare they expect me to be all that good yet? Fuckers. Screw you. I'll show you! Bring it, bitches!!!
  7. Then I change clothes and load the car and head to the rink all the while breathing through waves of anxiety and thinking about what areas of my game I want to really concentrate on. Like, if everything else goes to shit, maybe at least I can do this one thing right.
And I don't see anywhere in there where I'm wanting to have sex. Tried a little self-help once and that actually had the reverse effect and I felt and played worse than usual. Which is really saying something.

I will say, I do want hugs (but just hugs, because I'm tired and smelly) after I play. I muster up all my "GRRRRR, I'm a tough bitch" mojo to play and by the end of it, I just want a soft spot to land. Mr. C does a good job of this, asking me how it went and being sympathetic if I'm feeling bad about it, and being happy for me if it went well. That's all I want. I'll do my own analysis later, but for now, just allow me to have my guard down and be fragile for a while.

So, Ovie's on his own with that sex stuff. Well, I very much doubt he's on his own, but anyway...

Meanwhile, over at the increasingly aggravating Wild Message Board, someone started a thread about this and honest to God, the thread is now 3 pages long and there are maybe 5 comments related to the actual subject matter.

And it's not like it's an uninteresting subject. Sex. And. Hockey.

For the love of god, people, you have a legit chance to marry these fabulous subjects without getting banned by the moderator, and you turn it into an argument about who's the better player, who's the classiest player, etc.

Honestly, this board will argue about ANYTHING, even forsaking a much more interesting and titillating conversation to do so. I do not understand these people. The only worthwhile comment in three pages of posts was, "20 bucks says he porked the reporter." Everybody wins!

25 comments:

Sunshine36616  August 4, 2009 at 9:22 AM  

Maybe if you had sex WITH Ovie before a game, you would both benefit. 2 birds kind of thing.

Message board posters are usually idiots...of course I do have like over 1500 posts on the Thrashers board :p

FinnAir  August 4, 2009 at 9:30 AM  

Just a different culture. You wont see many people smiling when you walk the streets of a Russian city, for example St.Petersburg or Moscow. A popular Russian phrase translates as something like "Smiling without a reason is a sign of stupidity".
So remember that one the next time you consider giving a Russian hockey player one of your sweet smiles.

Anonymous  August 4, 2009 at 11:02 AM  

I'm with you on the no sex before hockey thing. Unlike Ovie, it throws my game off, makes me feel lackadaisical. After hockey? Too exhausted. A little cereal and some cuddling is just about right, though.

Thanks for the post. It was fun to read.

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 11:30 AM  

Ha! Sunshine, I'll pass. Ovie is fun to watch but, well, he isn't a goalie. :)

Yeah, Finn, I know that about the Russians and it unnerves me. I wouldn't do well there. I'm Southern. I like smiles, even if they're fake.

Mason  August 4, 2009 at 11:43 AM  

It must because of the far fewer posters on Russoville, but it does seem to stay a bit more focused than the WMBs. No thanks to me, I guess, since I'm usually the one hi-jacking the thread with LotR and video game tangents. :\

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 11:48 AM  

I think Russoville naturally sort of meanders, whereas a threaded message board allows people to dig their heels in on a topic and it stays at the top and just escalates.

I'm mostly down to just checking in on any threads about prospects or the Aeros there to make sure people aren't being stupid about my guys. Which they almost invariably are. And then I tell them the real deal and they argue with me. Because the 80 Aeros games I watch each season and the 4 they watch make them more qualified. Dipshits.

artandhockey  August 4, 2009 at 2:01 PM  

Nor do they smile like here in MOST of Europe. Which throws me everytime I go back, being so used to the smiling "how are you today's" here in the South of USA. I guess New York is sorta grim, too.. at least the times I have been there. Button lips and walk without eye contact... grrr.
Re diversions pre or post game or for anything else, for that matter, depends on one's needs. Bearhugs, etc.may do well for one, while others need all consuming activities ;)
Good Luck. Stay healthy and do it!!

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

Did you say barryhugs? Oh, no bearhugs. Yeah, I'm on board with that either way. Ha! ;)

You're right, NYers aren't as smiley and that didn't bother me. That's how you tell the natives from the tourists. That and the speed of locomotion.

Anonymous  August 4, 2009 at 4:02 PM  

"Tried a little self-help once"

LOL, if you were a guy that would read something like, "Every day before game time."

FinnAir  August 4, 2009 at 4:06 PM  

I always thought that the no-eye-contact thing was something that happened in every big city?
Too many nutcases about, you don't want to encourage them by establishing eye contact.
Then again hardly nobody walks and the public transport is not that popular here so maybe this is why you don't feel/know about it in Houston?

That smiling/welcoming thing works both ways, equally strange for us "non-smilers". I'm always amazed by the fact that in here, when entering any shop*, it takes about 2 seconds for somebody to materialize from behind the shelves with a massive grin and "How are you doing today? What can I do for you?". Nothing more annoying. I thought the Brits were "bad" with regard to this but... The one time I actually need help I'm willing to chase down somebody who works in the place.
In Finland if you say anything more (Like "Could I" or "Please") than the name of the drink that you want to order, the waitress will slap you for trying it on with her.
Nothing rude in that, this is perfectly polite customer behaviour in there. It is just what you are used to...




*well maybe not the walmart

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 4:09 PM  

LOL I don't doubt that one bit, anon.

If the red team is smart, they'll buy me a really nice vibrator.

KiPA - Kevin in PA  August 4, 2009 at 4:53 PM  

You lost me with the "and Hockey" part. Sorry.

KiPA - Kevin in PA  August 4, 2009 at 4:57 PM  

"If the red team is smart, they'll buy me a really nice vibrator."

Ouch. I hope Mr. C isn't reading.

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 4:58 PM  

Leave it to you, Kevin, to boil it down to what I'm REALLY on about. ;)

KiPA - Kevin in PA  August 4, 2009 at 5:02 PM  

It doesn't sound like you've been "on" anything, or else you wouldn't need not just a vibrator, but a really nice one. ;)

Anonymous  August 4, 2009 at 5:12 PM  

"If the red team is smart, they'll buy me a really nice vibrator."

I can hear the PA announcer now, "The other team has had to forfeit as their goalie is no where to be found. Last we heard she was seen walking into a bathroom stall. IF you have any information please see the front desk."

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 5:25 PM  

Okay, you're digging too deep now, Kevin. :)

Anon, the game goes on even without a goalie. If I'm off burning batteries, they'll just put the cone in or make a D play back. And unfortunately for the red team, my defense are actually better goalies than I am. I hate that.

KiPA - Kevin in PA  August 4, 2009 at 5:39 PM  

Well, you probably expect me to make some other double entendre with the word "deep," don't you? Well I'm not taking the bait. You'll have to do it yourself.

(Which brings us back to the vibrator...)

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 5:43 PM  

Yep, I was totally expecting it. You're getting predictable. :)

KiPA - Kevin in PA  August 4, 2009 at 5:47 PM  

Ahh, but I predicted you would predict what I would do, and not only that, I didn't do what you thought I'd do. So I win. :)

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 5:50 PM  

"They are who we thought they were!"

I'll let you off the hook.

Sunshine36616  August 4, 2009 at 6:38 PM  

Atlanta is a big city. Come to town and I'll give you a big smile and take you to a Thrashers game :)

Ms. Conduct  August 4, 2009 at 7:24 PM  

Wait... is the Thrash game putting the smile on my face or something else? LOL

Goody  August 5, 2009 at 7:23 AM  

So... time for a new nickname?

Osexkin?

Alex the Great O?

AO-oh-Oh-OH!?

Kirsten  August 5, 2009 at 3:36 PM  

I don't know about that one, depends on the sport for me. With crew, twisting the sheets beforehand seems to be a great thing. Softball, not so much, I seem to need more mental sharpness to be a catcher.

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