Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Which Arrested Development character is your NHL team?

I didn't get to all the teams, but these are the ones that jumped out at me. Feel free to put some suggestions in the comments. I'm ashamed that I couldn't find a Barry Zuckercorn.

Montreal Canadiens = George Bluth Sr.

Arrogant, self-absorbed, thinks everything revolves around them (and sometimes it does, but not as much as they wish or think). Possibly associated with criminals.

San Jose Sharks = Michael Bluth

Well-mannered, upstanding, well-behaved, smart, successful, handsome in a way only Californians can be. They're the steady rock of the bunch.

Dallas Stars = Lucille Bluth

Aggressive, irritating, disliked by many but still seems to get ahead in spite of adversity. Mooches off social status-seekers, who in turn benefit from the opportunities to see and be seen at various Bluth/Stars functions.

Phoenix Coyotes = Buster Bluth

Though not without certain talents, remains generally bumbling in spite of efforts to the contrary. Extreme dependency on Mother/Gretzky at once holds them aloft while also limiting the success of growth efforts.

New York Rangers = GOB Bluth

Extremely unsympathetic character. Not particularly good at anything, other than being arrogant and unpleasant. Fancy themselves rather suave and handsome, but are really just coasting on the family name.

Pittsburgh Penguins = Lindsay Bluth Fünke

Pretty and occasionally tries to care about something, but ultimately doesn't have the depth.

Philadelphia Flyers = Maeby Fünke

Gets bored if not living on the edge to some degree. Revels in rebellion, specializes in con-artistry. Can pull off wearing Safety Orange.

Toronto Maple Leafs = Oscar Bluth

Wants to be as esteemed and respected within the family as his brother, but constant ineptitude and foggy decision-making has resulted in a lifetime of failure.

Boston Bruins = Annyong

While appearing hapless and harmless most of the time, we suddenly discover they know things and are plotting their revenge for the years of disrespect. Hello, Frozen Banana Vengeance!

Nashville Predators = Lucille "Two" Austero

Completely lovable, warts, dizzies and all, for the whimsy and gumption shown in the face of adversity. Plays the spoiler and incites ridicule from traditionalists for her "Little Engine that Could" approach to life.

Anaheim Ducks = Bob Loblaw

"Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else... noticed?"
Though giving off an air of serious professionalism, ethics and moral fortitude aren't a high priority.

Detroit Red Wings = Wayne Jarvis

"I use one word to describe myself. What is it?" "Professional."
Almost obnoxious in their focus and seriousness and lack of frivolity, yet willing to hide behind the couch or skate through octopus slime if it helps the matter at hand.

Washington Capitals = STEVE HOLT!

Creates a lot of good will through sheer confidence and contagious enthusiasm. You want to hate them, but can't find a solid reason to.

Tampa Bay Lightning = Kitty Sanchez

Slightly (okay, maybe a lot) crazy, not to be trusted with anything important, like #1 draft picks or long term contracts. Likes to make a splash by showing off sexy assets, but isn't smart enough to actually do any real harm with what little power they have left from their heyday.

Vancouver Canucks = White Power Bill

Like to act tough, but we discover soon enough that they're really just full of self-loathing. And because we loathe them, too, we sympathize (and yet do nothing to discourage it, as we know that eventually they'll jump off the ledge on their own).

Minnesota Wild = Ann Veal
"Her?" Highly principled, often rather dull, but nevertheless inspires great, inexplicable devotion from loved ones. Often forgotten about by everyone except aforementioned loved ones.


wrap around curl  March 5, 2009 at 2:13 AM  

THIS IS FREAKING AMAZING. Excellent stuff. I sent it off to Wysh. I hope he links it.

Jennifer Hammer  March 5, 2009 at 9:33 AM  

You combined my two favorite things ever--AD and hockey.

You could include (and I hate to say it) Detroit as George Michael--consistently smart, dependable, voice of reason (as in, when was the last time they didn't have a good season, really?)

Ottawa--Maggie Lizer as in they lie/are in denial that Brian Murray is the real problem, but they'll keep going through coaches.

Gary Bettman as Tobais Funke. He should tape record himself one day and listen to how ridiculous he sounds.

Sean Avery as Barry Zuckerkorn LULZ

I'm no Wysh, but I'll link the shit out of this. It's brilliant.

Unknown  March 5, 2009 at 9:54 AM  

Another awesome post. I found your blog from Russo's Rants and am really enjoying it.

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 12:25 PM  

oh man, this is BRILLIANT. Seeing as GOB is my favorite AD character (today), I'll take that comparison.

As for Barry Zuckerkorn (tries and tries but never succeeds due to his own ineptitude), that's clearly the Islanders

gsgfs  March 5, 2009 at 12:29 PM  

Found this on Puck Daddy.

One word: Hilarious.

A suggestion: The New Jersey Devils as Tobias. Despite their best efforts to portray themselves as an offensive team, we know when all is said and done that they won't be able to fight their trapping tendencies.

Sally  March 5, 2009 at 12:32 PM  

This is the greatest thing I have EVER seen.

Islanders = Rita?

BReynolds  March 5, 2009 at 12:37 PM  

Good work yet again Ms. C. You never cease to amaze me with the depths of depravity in your hockey mind...

Love it.

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 12:39 PM  

Hmm. I hadn't considered Tobias as Devils... I see it in that context. I was looking for a team for him that completely lacks self-awareness... Ottawa maybe? Maybe that should have been Tampa...

Schultzie, I love the Bettman line.

Thanks y'all!

RoShaCla  March 5, 2009 at 12:44 PM  

I'm trying to think of one for the Devils but I can't. George Micheal maybe? Nah. That kind of implies a sheepishness.

Next up: which "It's always Sunny in Philadelphia" character are you? :D

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 12:47 PM  

Calgary Flames -- Andy Richter and his four brothers
You never know which one of them is going to show up, but when the
chips are down it's seldom the one you want.

p.  March 5, 2009 at 12:49 PM  

hilarious and well thought out!

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 12:50 PM  

I love Sunny!!! I'm not sure there are enough despicable teams in the league to cover all the despicable characters though... :D

Archivalist  March 5, 2009 at 1:08 PM  

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Perhaps Carolina could be Barry Zuckerkorn -- did something good once, but now you just want to forget they're still around.

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 1:37 PM  

Okay, I just have to share this. Someone posted the link to this on a Ranger's message board and one of the comments was: "F you Wild lady. It's not arrogance if you really are better than everyone else."

HA!!! Did that just prove my point or what? Oh, Rags fans. I loves ya.

Hale Yeah  March 5, 2009 at 1:40 PM  

George Michael - Florida Panthers
After a fluke success with getting to the Finals (and kissing Maeby), the club just stumbles all over itself at any chance of reclaiming its former glory.

Tobias Fuhke - Columbus Blue Jackets
No matter how many good men they have, they always seem to blow it.

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 2:00 PM  

This is amazing! Good job.

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 2:02 PM  

okay that was awesome.

I think my Calgary Flames are Tony Wonder

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 2:08 PM  

Fantastic BUT... no Tobias?!?!

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 2:08 PM  

Wow, I love it. And I love how different the Flames suggestions are. As a fan of a team whose crushing by the Flames you can set your watch to each year, they were difficult for me to characterize. It's like they're very good (and just got better, at least in the short term) but have been mired in mediocrity for long enough that I don't think fans really believe they're that good... like they're kinda living on a prayer.

George Michael?

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 2:10 PM  

Seriously, make all the suggestions you want and I'll flesh the rest of the league out later.

Anonymous  March 5, 2009 at 2:15 PM  

White Power Bill? You're just upset that you just had it handed to you by them.

I'd say it's more like this:
Minnesota Wild - George Michael Bluth
Vancouver Canucks - Maeby Fünke

George Michael has an unhealthy obsession with Maeby, but Maeby never seems to notice..

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 2:22 PM  

Yeah, I am pretty upset to be honest. Maeby's way too cool and wiley and has too much self-awareness to be a Nuck.

gsgfs  March 5, 2009 at 2:55 PM  

The Buffalo Sabres as Maggie Lizer. Desperate for an edge in a competitive league they resort to going for the sympathy vote by doing things such as faking pregnancy ("His foot was in the crease!") and faking blindness ("Small market teams are at a disadvantage!").

Wild John  March 5, 2009 at 3:12 PM  

Absolute Genius!
If I may:
Columbus Bluejackets = Gene Parmasean:
Disguised as bumblers, they show up where you least expect them (like the playoffs) only to ask for cash to get the bus home. Likeable in a non-threatening way (see Minnesota/Ann Hog)

gsgfs  March 5, 2009 at 3:36 PM  

The New Jersey Devils as Larry (the guy who was hired to wear a camera and speak for George Sr. while the latter was in jail) with Lou Lamoriello acting as George Sr controlling them from afar. Much like Larry, the Devils are completely lacking in their own personality. They exist only to follow the orders of the man speaking into their headset and they do exactly as told.

Ms. Conduct  March 5, 2009 at 3:38 PM  

Nice ones. Interesting on Larry the Surrogate. I forgot about him...

Unknown  March 5, 2009 at 3:55 PM  

some team needs to be franklin delano bluth. maybe the flyers for that, since he's rude, mean spirited, and has been known to play dirty (putting ether on his lips to knock people out).

Amma Marfo  March 5, 2009 at 4:11 PM  

two of my favorite things in the free world: Arrested Development and NHL hockey.

and as a tampa bay fan, i would even be willing to take us as barry zuckercorn. and not just because our last coach was a barry, and the one before looked like henry winkler...

looks incompetent to others, and is even less competent in private. that's about the state of TB ownership too.

Pensgirl  March 5, 2009 at 9:21 PM  

Best post in the history of blogs.

Anonymous  March 6, 2009 at 10:15 AM  

this is the smartest thing i've ever seen. Franklin might be Ottawa: inexplicably popular even though everyone knows he is lifeless.

walkinvisible  March 6, 2009 at 1:02 PM  

i'm late to the party and totally didn't bring a gift. just wanted to say AWESOME post.... seriously. that took alot of time, i know it.

huge win last night, btw. congrats.

Franklin Delano Bluth  March 31, 2009 at 4:04 PM  

St. Louis Blues = George-Michael Bluth

He's consistent (always on time...i've been typing this for 28 seconds just so you know). Blues made the playoffs 25 years straight.

Inconvenient Bluth The 100% Natural Good Time Arrested Development Fan Solution

Ms. Conduct  March 31, 2009 at 4:08 PM  

Nah, the Blues are too damn mean to be George Michael! In round 2, I think I have him slated for the Kings. But I probably won't get to that until summer.

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