Breezy Saturday

I'm sitting on the deck this afternoon, enjoying being just a little bit sticky, but also a cool breeze that's making it almost pleasant to be outside.

All while reminding myself in my best pessimistic inner voice that this doesn't mean Fall is coming. It just means Canada is blowing some mercy southward for a day or two. Thank you for so many things, Canada, but especially thank you for the occasional bearable summer day in Houston.

Here's the run down so far:

Got hooked on watching Dexter online from Netflix. Good shit but probably shouldn't have watched so much of it last night before going to bed, because a) it gave me really fucked up dreams and b) there was no way in hell I was gonna get up and go to the 4:45 stick and puck.

And I really kinda needed to go to try out my knee pads before tomorrow night. Alas, it will be trial by fire for that gear configuration, and after last week, I think Scott may literally be bringing a gun.

Went to lunch with Fred at Christian's. FMD those are some good burgers. Just not the same without Dr. Pepper though. *sniff* I miss you, Doc! And of course, it was great to talk hockey and catch up, but also Fred brought me a prezzie! A 20x30 of this photo:

Photo by Fred Trask

I have no idea what made Fred think I'm a fan of Barry's... *innocent face*

Seriously though, it's so magnificent and life-sized, I nearly threw my bra at it. I don't call Fred Mr. Awesome for nothing, kids.

And now I'm thinking about all the errands I need to run but REALLY don't want to on a Saturday afternoon with everybody else in Houston. But the dog is down to his last meal, so I guess I better be a good mommy and feed him before he starts eating boxes of Kleenex and rolls of toilet paper.

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I've also been thinking a lot about my horrible clusterfuck of a game last week. And when I look back, I can't think of a single shooter I challenged. All I did, all night long, was back up into my crease like the incredible shrinking goalie.

There's stuff going on there, but the bottom line is that it's just one of those things where I have to accept my circumstances and battle through on my own, and I think a big key to doing so is going to be playing with high confidence.

I haven't had much confidence for a while. And I'm realizing that I have to find a way to get my swagger back without coming off like an asshole to my teammates, because I think when you're as bad a goalie as I am, you'll die on the vine waiting to *earn* the swagger.

You just have to come with it, if for no other reason than you're The MFing Goalie, and let it flow. Swagger gives you the bravado to challenge even the best shooters and to keep goals against from getting to you. I just have to find a way to have swagger in my heart and not on my lips.

Fake it til you make it, right?

Meanwhile, I can think about it all I want, but I have to put it into action Sunday at practice and Monday (when I play the SLICE drop-in again). Wish me luck.

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X-Rated and Miscellany

• I have such a hard-on for these Bauer X-Rated leg pads. The design is just wicked. If I were buying again, I might have to insist on these. The adjustable knee lock and lifts sure would be nice, too, since my knee area is a little high on my current pads. And the 33+1 is probably more appropriate than the 34s I have. Oh well. Hindsight.
• Looks like I might get to replace all my funky (and I don't mean that in a good way) used gear soon. My shopping cart at Goalie Monkey has a new glove and blocker and chest protector in it. Plus a couple of "tall boy" water bottles so I can drink thru my mask. Just need the bean counter to say yes.
  
• Figured out why I felt so bad at practice last week: Panic attacks are back. Yay. Amazing how I'd forgotten all the signs, even though I battled them all thru my 20s, but that's definitely what that was. I don't think I'm panicking about playing goal per se, but the usual performance anxiety triggers the panic and I get all spun up. It's no fun at all. Gonna stick half a xanax in my pocket to pop if I start freaking on the way out there. Hopefully now that I've figured out the problem, I can control it without the happy pills.
• In the meantime, no more sodas or coffee for me. Caffeine. :( I love you, caffeine! It's not personal! You just turn me into a crazy person.
  
• It's really hot here. I keep having to change seats around the living room, like flipping to the cool side of the pillow, to escape my own heat.
  
• Not only is it Brusty's birthday today, it's Ken Dryden's. Every 35 years on this day a goalie I adore is born. I'm pretty sure those are statistically significant odds. No use in arguing with me on this point.
• Whitney Houston was born tomorrow. BOBBAY!

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Unskilled, foul-mouthed goalie seeks free, Canadian room and board

I'm reading these Facebook updates from friends in the PNW and, while I realize they had a really awful hot spell and many don't have A/C in their homes... it's now in the 60s there. THE 60s, BITCHES, in AUGUST! OMF!

We won't see 60-nuthin' until maybe late September and that will just be the overnight lows. 60s during the days won't happen until late October.

But of course, the bonus is that that's pretty much where it sits for 4 months--cold enough to keep the mosquitoes at bay but not so cold that you need 4-wheel-drive. But here, in the thick of the heat, my grasp on that perspective is slippery with sweat.

I actually found myself losing my breath a little when I pondered what it would be like to step outside and not think, "Ugh. Gross." at the heat and humidity. That first crisp day each Fall is the best day of the year. I spend at least a month and a half daydreaming about that day.

I've been going through this cycle for 34 years and it never ceases to be mind-bogglingly awful right now and shit-flippingly glorious in October. It never gets easier, but you do at least accept that you'll go through these stages each year:

1. Dreading summer
2. Thinking summer isn't THAT bad
3. Finding that summer hadn't really started and it IS that bad
4. HATING summer
5. Wanting to die
6. Wanting to kill
   
7. Wanting to move to Canada
   
8. Football season starting and hoping relief is around the corner
9. Hockey season starting and KNOWING relief is around the corner
10. Blessed Fall arrives. Huzzah!

I'm at about step 7 right now. So, if any of my Canadian friends have a spare room for me and the dog for a couple of months, I'm not good for much like cooking or cleaning, but I do speak Canadian and my dog is nice. I'll bring my gear and let you shoot pucks at me. I can't promise not to call you a fuckface or something when you score on me. Because, of course, it' s your fault for shooting at me that I suck. :)

So, I'm just throwing it out there. Mr. C is traveling a bunch for work, and once #8 starts, I don't think he'll even know I'm gone. So just drop me a line.

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The fates smiled

Sometimes the hockey gods throw me a bone. Last night at goalie camp, the net right in front of me was where they were working on the very save that I didn't make on the first goal against last Sunday. Maybe if I'd stopped that one, the floodgates wouldn't have opened and I would have had a decent game.

Basically a close-in shot from beside the post where you do sort of a hybrid, one-knee kinda thing. It's one of my least favorite save positions because I feel really unstable and "holey" and awkward. It's just something I need to commit to working on.

And now that I've watched Brusty re-show it to all 15 goalies about 5 times each, surely I have a foundation for nailing that move at some point. "Stop. Then drop." Got it.

So, add that to the list of moves I need to play around with at the 5 a.m. stick and puck next Saturday. I'm excited to get back on the ice and see what I can do with what I've learned watching the camp, but that's over a week away. *sigh* Stupid kids with their stupid summers off screwing up my stick and pucks...

Ended up taking a rest day yesterday. Apparently I'm being assigned to Yard Duty today, so it may be a "practical" workout today. We'll see.

Highs for the weekend are 100+, BTW. This heat wave can end ANY time now. Hoping to drag Mr. C out to play some catch, but maybe we'll do that in the evening or something when it's only 95 degrees. There's a snowcone place in the Heights that I'm determined to try over the weekend. They make their own syrups and everything apparently. Sounds like the perfect weekend for it.

Happy 4th tomorrow! Be safe out there. Don't blow yourselves up. Stay cool. Wear sunscreen, ya pasty hockey bitches.

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