Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Cross the blue line with that thing and I'm pulling the trigger

I'm too angry tonight to write much about drop-in. It was a bad night. Top to bottom. I've never said this about playing goal, but I wish I'd just stayed home.

My instinct was to not go, because I was feeling tired and fried mentally from kind of a draining 24 hours prior, but I made a commitment to play for this group every week. I should have made a plan for how to deal with it when things didn't go my way. Something to focus on so that I didn't get dragged under my own mental bog of ... whatever... that's sitting on me this week.

I won't even talk about the game. It would all be deemed excuse-making and maybe another week where I'm not on The Brink anyway, I would have coped better, but I coped for shit. I just got angry and discombobulated.

Moreover, I didn't have fun and as much as I want to blame everyone else, it was on me to keep the right attitude in the face of adversity, and I didn't muster the strength and composure to do that.

There's so much more I want to say, but I just need to cool down and get some perspective and try to learn from this.

Lesson for the night: Don't let the play of the team in front of you affect YOUR confidence level in net.

I don't play again until Sunday. Hopefully I'll find some peace and not want to hack people to bits with my stick by then. Have a therapeutic lunch scheduled with my friend tomorrow so I can hopefully exorcise the demons that are plaguing me off-ice (but I'm apparently bringing them on the ice with me, if tonight is any indication).

Man. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, eh? But this blog has always been about documenting this journey and keeping it as real as I can without getting too many people mad at me. Sometimes I'm just a bitch, and sometimes it sucks being the goalie and sometimes I just want to make saves with a motherfucking shotgun. Tonight's one of those nights.

Let's mellow out, bitches:


Snikpip  November 4, 2009 at 4:09 AM  

Everybody's gotta have "one of those days" every now and then. Just gotta hitch up yer britches and go on.
"Shit happens" and all those other stupid sayings that make ya wanna smack the ever-living phuc outta the person saying them. (I'm ducking right now.) You'll bounce back. I got faith in ya.
By the way, 4 a.m., fire is still going strong, one beer left and the soil/mulch/rocks are still in the truck.

Ms. Conduct  November 4, 2009 at 7:56 AM  

Yeah, I know. That's why I have this blog, so I can kvetch about it and move on. I've never figured out what people who *don't* write do when to relieve stress. Drink? Hit stuff? Well, I do those, too, I guess. :)

Feeling better this morning other than being pretty damn tired seeing as I went to bed around the time you commented and it's 8 a.m. now. Urgh. Thinking back to sleep for a bit.

Nick in New York  November 4, 2009 at 8:13 AM  

Hey, if we didn't have bad nights, the good ones wouldn't feel as good.

Sorry about the rough outing.

Ms. Conduct  November 4, 2009 at 8:15 AM  

Thanks Nick. Yeah. Just happy to put this week in goal to bed. Chalk it up as another learning experience.

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