Sunday, May 18, 2008

Blog vomit

Eww. Sorry to be so graphic but I'm anticipating that's what this post is going to be. I'm feeling emotionally nauseous, you might say.

Went skating yesterday with Coach Stalin. First time with her in almost a month, I think, and any time I miss a week with her, I start forming bad habits or teach things to myself the wrong way. Apparently while my stopping was getting better, I was doing it wrong. And I just can't seem to do it right. Every time I think about it, I'm nearly in tears, I'm so frustrated.

She did say my crossovers are looking good and backwards skating is getting better. But the stopping is eating my fucking lunch.

But on top of all that... or maybe underneath all that... I'm just not feeling very good about me right now. I'm feeling very all-think, all-talk, no-action and yet everyday life just seems to fill me with excuses to not do what I need to do. I'm lost in thought on this today.

And Coach and I discussed on the way home that I really do need to let go of/deal with my fear of falling. It's a terrifying proposition to me but I know I have to get there mentally or I'm not going to progress in my skating.

I dunno. A lot of things here that I see as failures in my character, which is pretty depressing when they all kinda hit at once like they have this weekend.

Which is all just to say... I'm down. Way down right now. But I've been down before and I know what comes after the down is the up. Just gotta break through the wall. If it was easy, everybody'd be doing it, right? How many times have I had THAT talk with myself in my marathon training? :)

So, see Jane? It's not just you. Maybe I should rename my blog "Tears in the Crease"...


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