Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"Phrases you rarely hear" for $1000, Alex: Shutout Loss

I've had some rollercoaster nights as a goalie, but tonight takes the cake. Remember how I said last week that I felt like a shutout was completely within reach in my women's league? Well, I was right.

I. Got. A. Shutout. :)

But.... so did the other goalie.

And we lost 2-1 in the shootout. :(

I'm experiencing some crazy cognitive dissonance as a result. How can I play that hard, stop so many pucks (probably 30 shots on my end and maybe 15 at the other), end the game with a goose egg on the board and not win?

Technically, a shutout in regulation IS a shutout. So I could go around saying, ZOMFG IGOTASHUTOUT!!!!! But the truth is, I didn't really. We lost and it completely deflates that joy.

The way the teams shook out, there are just no real ringers on this team, particularly offensively. They're decent defensively, clearing rebounds pretty well and keeping shooters to the outside, breaking up passing lanes, etc. So when the final minute was ticking down, OMG, I was begging for them to get a goal because I didn't have a good feeling about the shootout given the disparate skill levels.

Sure enough, the two best players on purple beat me. And I was heartbroken. Just heartbroken. And feeling silly for feeling heartbroken because I did pitch a shutout and it was 100% legit. I earned that bitch.

So, while I want to feel amazing about it, I just don't. I feel like a marathoner who ran 26 miles and faltered on the final .2 for a DNF. Sure, I went the distance, but I didn't reach the goal.

Even though I'm feeling very FML about it (and logically I know I shouldn't), I'm really proud of several things from tonight:

First, I nearly had a complete meltdown before the game. I've lost ugly for this red team twice now and I really wanted to be good for them tonight. So I was putting this pressure on myself and I started overthinking before I even left the house.

I tweeted about it and the cool heads of my fellow goalies and players tried to jump in and settle me down. It helped some. But mainly what helped was my favorite song coming on the radio on my way there. I was so keyed up, I even cried on the my way to the rink. I haven't been this pent up before a game in a VERY long time. It was just total headcase time.

But I got there and started feeling like myself again. One tweeter reminded me: #calmbutintense. And that's the mentality I went with. I played really well. Very focused and steady. Big time compete level. I was ready to do anything to keep that puck out and I did. So I'm really proud of that.

And I'm also proud that I did it. Like, I did it. And that means I CAN do it. Which means I can do it AGAIN. And hopefully the next time I do it, my team will put a few points on the board and I can love that shutout with my whole heart. 

I know I got tight in the shootout though. I was wanting to just put this game, my first shutout, in my pocket and take it home and love it forever. But here I had to keep defending it.

I dunno. I just can't believe it. I never thought when I finally get my first shutout, the other goalie would get one, too. Crap.

Also, I never knew you couldn't be out of your crease before the player touches the puck in a shoot out. I was all amped and practically at the hash marks and stripes had to tell me to get back in my office. Haha. That's dumb, but whatever.

Ah well. Hopefully sleep, should it ever come, will provide some perspective in the morning. I tell ya though, I've never felt so split down the middle emotionally. I didn't even want to go home after. I just wanted to go somewhere with really loud music and lots of alcohol. Just numb myself until my mind can sort it out or distance makes it matter less.

How fucking melodramatic is that? Haha. But there ya go. Welcome to my head.

2 comments:

JL  October 20, 2010 at 12:08 PM  

CONGRATS ON THE SHUTOUT!

Maybe getting that first shutout is like a player getting their first goal. Maybe it comes in a loss, and it's probably ugly, and nobody wants to remember it. And then the next one is gorgeous and a game winner. Just a thought.

Ms. Conduct  October 20, 2010 at 12:10 PM  

Thanks! And great point... I love that reframe!

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